This newsletter is late.

If you’re reading this, you probably already know that. It’s not just late for a monthly newsletter, although it’s definitely that (I counted how many months it’s been since the last one and it makes me want to disappear into the void). But it’s also late because I couldn’t write it until a week after I’d intended. These things are connected, of course. In the [redacted] months since my last newsletter, I have meant to set some words down many times. Every time, I found I didn’t have the capacity and after several weeks of not having capacity, guilt and your non-existent self-esteem come striding in to tell you, “I wouldn’t bother at this point if I were you. But don’t worry, you were always shit at this anyway.”

Well, I am currently flaring up (again) following a couple of weeks off over the holidays. I was never expecting to feel “rested” or “refreshed” from the end-of-2021 burnout literally everyone was feeling, because most of that burnout came from living through a pandemic, which, uh, we continue to live through. On top of that, some fresh white nonsense entered my life before the holidays which, unsurprisingly, has continued into the new year. And if that wasn’t enough, 2022 immediately hit me with housing issues and instability, which in turn impacts some job stuff, alongside medication woes, and here I am. Flareup.

It's not an original 2022 flavour, although it is an improved taste. Last January, I was dealing with family sickness and bereavement that triggered a flare that lasted months. When I eventually came out the other side, I suddenly realised how fucking foggy I had been. It wasn’t a long-lasting feeling because I also had my already-significantly-delayed dissertation to work on, which launched me into (you guessed it) another flare. I’m writing this in the fourth week of the new year and I’m already burnt out and wondering how long this particular flare will last.

But. While considering the [redacted] months since my last newsletter makes me feel physical discomfort, it also reminds me how important it is that plans remain flexible. That’s something I’ve struggled with for most of my life, as many of us do while living under capitalism. Capitalism requires us to be available and achieving at all times. When you’re disabled, it becomes non-negotiable to understand that need for flexibility. Even with a realistic, carefully paced plan or the neatest to-do list on the planet, you need to be able to pivot, often at the last minute. Sometimes this is because other people won’t look out for you and your access needs, so you need to be able to spontaneously advocate for yourself. Sometimes it’s because of a sudden flare or the dreaded New Symptom. Learning to push back on ableist capitalist norms takes time and conscious effort, although living with a chronic illness (or several) certainly fast-tracks the process—you quickly learn to stop trying so hard to conform to what literally wants to kill you. Do I still feel guilty sometimes or “useless”, “worthless”, “inadequate”? Of course. Being sick under capitalism is deliberately designed to be isolating and dehumanising. But I’m getting better with every month, every flare, every New Symptom to understand that that isn’t my fault, that I deserve to do things that matter to me at a pace and in a way that is feasible for my specific body.

Writing this newsletter is important to me. I feel clumsy writing about writing so I’ll keep it vague but I’m a mushy person and I’m a writer, still, even though it’s now physically difficult to write because of the pain in my hands and wrists and the brain fog and the fatigue and the deep, dark depressions. I feel less alone when I write this thing and I feel awfully alone these days. Now, maybe I can’t write 1,000 words every time—maybe I won’t be able to write even half of that sometimes. But if I have some words and I want to put them down and send them out into the world, then I want to do that, even if I have that non-existent self-esteem and that capitalist guilt whispering to me, “Ah, but is that even worth it though?” It is worth it to do the things we like to do, especially when it’s just for the sake of it.

So this is my plan. I hope allowing myself more flexibility will mean I write here more regularly. I’ll still be later than I want sometimes (like, uh, this time) and I’m sure I’ll have to miss a month entirely here and there, but I’ll be doing something I enjoy. It feels scary to state a plan so starkly; sure, it’s a way to hold myself accountable but it’s also a way to potentially embarrass myself. At the very least, I managed to write this, despite another difficult start to the year.

stuff I did this month

For Sidequest, I wrote 6 Video Games to Play During a Chronic Illness Flare, about my fave games for when I’m flaring up but they’re also great for when you don’t have a lot of time and/or energy in general. I also reviewed new crafting game Wytchwood in Wytchwood Is Easy But Not Accessible.

Also for Sidequest, I edited the second instalment of Sara Davis’s wonderful LoreQuest series, where she recommends books that make you feel the way that video games do. This time, she’s suggested Four Books You’ll Love If You Love Mass Effect which was as much fun to edit as it is to read.

stuff I liked this month

I watched the first season of Yellowjackets, a show about a girls’ football team from New Jersey who end up stranded in the wilderness following a plane crash. (The New Jersey part isn’t important except to me.) The show cuts between what happened back then and the present day. As always, it has its issues (one day I will get a show like this that has more than one (1) main character of colour) but it’s the first time in years that I’ve actually been excited for the next season of a series.

Zine Month (or “ZiMo”) 2022 is happening! ZiMo was launched following Kickstarter’s decisions to join the blockchain (I do not care if that’s incorrect phrasing) and to suddenly postpone ZineQuest this year. There are lots of cool indie TTRPG (and adjacent) zines to look through so go check it out.

I’m still making my way through this but so far, I’m enjoying Meghna Jayanth’s keynote on White Protagonism and Imperial Pleasures in Game Design for DiGRA 2021, which explores how video games default to whiteness. There’s a video version as well (with automated subtitles in English).

Heavy Machinery is written by Zainabb Hull and powered by breakfast tea and spite.

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