On appreciation
Why it's good to express when we appreciate someone.
A few years ago, I was out at a bar with my wife after seeing a live version of the hit podcast “Roderick on the Line” featuring The Long Winters’ John Roderick and the internet’s Merlin Mann. I’m friends with Merlin, in the loose sense that we met at a party many years ago, sporadically run into each other at events and gatherings, and I occasionally text him about books, his podcasts, or the House of Prime Rib.
We were hanging out at a bar after the show, bullshitting about who knows what, when Merlin looked at me with a smile and said, “I appreciate you.”
In the moment, this felt nice, but it also stuck with me. I don’t know if I thought about it again until a couple of years ago when I told someone the same thing. And now I think about it all the time. Because I think we should be telling people we appreciate them more often.
If I may be a total nerd and break down why this comment had impact, I think it’s for these reasons:
It’s a low bar, which makes it feel sincere. He didn’t say, “I love you!” or “You’re the best!” which would have probably felt like a bit much, especially given the infrequent and casual nature of our friendship. (Though friends, you’re always welcome to tell me you love me if it’s true.) But appreciation indicates a simple level of gratitude.
It was unexpected. Most social interactions like the one we were having would bear no need for an evaluation of our feelings towards one another. Sure, maybe you say, “This was fun!” to friends when parting ways at the end of the night, but this conveyed a sentiment that was not just about this interaction, but our relationship.
It’s unique. I know Merlin is deliberate about his word choice (because of him, I’ve been more thoughtful about when I use “expensive” vs. “costly”), and this is something that people don’t say often, so it carried meaning.
It inspired me to think about who I appreciate. As I said, I think it took a while, but I realized there were a number of people in my life who I could infuse with a sense of warm fuzzies by letting them know I appreciate them. Some are very close friends, for whom the sentiment has more value: “I appreciate you and the way I can turn to you for almost anything.” Others might be coworkers who I don’t know super well personally, but who I’m grateful to work with: “I appreciate that we get to work together.”
I started thinking more seriously about gratitude and appreciation last year when I was searching for a new job. I had been laid off from my last role at the beginning of March, and turned to a resource I’d recently found out about: Phyl Terry’s book “Never Search Alone” and accompanying job search council process.
One step of the process is to make something Phyl calls a “gratitude house.” Basically, you sit down and reflect on who has helped you throughout your career. In Phyl’s words:
This exercise expands your mind, quiets your inner critic, and reminds you how much you rely on others. By reminding you who has supported you and how much help you’ve gotten along the way, this exercise will also help you see that you are bigger than your insecurities and that lots of people care about and root for you.
In that context, where you’re going to reach out to some of these people to get feedback and advice, it’s definitely a powerful tool. But at the same time, it gives me such a soul-filling feeling to express to someone that they are: respected; needed; useful; comforting; APPRECIATED.
There’s research supporting the idea that it benefits both the appreciator and the appreciated when this gratitude is expressed. The abstract of a 2018 psychological journal article offers this:
Expressing gratitude improves well-being for both expressers and recipients, but we suggest that an egocentric bias may lead expressers to systematically undervalue its positive impact on recipients in a way that could keep people from expressing gratitude more often in everyday life.
In simple terms: if you’re grateful for someone or for something they’ve done, tell them — it will likely have more impact than you think.
Now: I want you to try something. Next time you’re talking to a friend, colleague, family member, cashier, etc. who you appreciate in some way, just tell them. Doesn’t need to be elaborate. Doesn’t need to be weird. Just say the words, “I appreciate you.” I bet both of you will get a feeling that will carry you through the day with heads slightly higher and hearts slightly fuller.
XO,
Grant
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