I’ve long accepted my fate as a multi and rarepair shipper. In many ways, navigating fandom spaces as the kind of person that will ship pretty much whatever strikes their fancy is a blessing, at least in as much as one can avoid meaningless, fruitless, exhausting shipping wars and discourse. And it makes the vast, wide world of fanfiction so much more thrilling and exciting, too. There is no feeling quite like the one of discovering a fic for a pairing you’ve never thought of with the most delicious synopsis/tags combo¹.

Yet, one downside to that—especially as an author who writes quite long fics for ships that will get a handful of readers interested in the best of times, a pool that is made even smaller by being a rareshipper author who writes mostly polyamory fics²—is that I don’t get to talk about what I write often. I don’t have anyone to comment with when I have a phrase I particularly like, or to gush to about whatever characters it is I’m writing about. I don’t belong to the overwhelmingly big sect of tumblr/AO3 that vicariously believes that readers owe comments or any sort of engagement to writers or other fandom creators³, but… y’know, writing fanfiction is one of the things that gives me the biggest joy in the world. I truly mean it when I say that there are little activities out there that make me as fulfilled, as energetic, as excited, as my own stories do. I love writing them, I love thinking about them, I love reading them. I love surprising myself with them. And I do want to gush about it now and then! I want to talk about my writing—about these characters I love so much, yes, but also about how I felt doing it, the decisions I made, what felt different this time.

I do mean it when I say that I spend so many of my waking hours thinking about my silly little stories. Which is funny, considering that I am as far from a planner as it gets—which means that, “fantasizing” just means, for the most part, spending my time just imagining whatever scene it is I am currently writing. I don’t really know how to write ahead; the only way I know to get from one scene to the next is ny, well, writing my way there.

In general, all my stories are born out of vibes, some vague idea of where I’d like to start, an even vaguer idea of where I’d like to end, and my process is to write one scene after the next until I get from the beginning to the end. I’ve tried planning in the past, but it’s just not something I can do. In fact, the more I plan, the less likely I am to then actually sit down and write the thing, just because the planning does also hit me in my pleasure centers and feels like its own kind of fulfilling. Still, I’ve learned my lesson: if I want to write something, I have to do the things all writers fears, and just sit down and do it. The less I think, the less I reflect in the moment, the best. The only way to write is by writing.

Still, all stories are different. All projects teach you something new. This fic, for example, took me longer to write than most of my other fics—I spent months on it. I spent most of that time just thinking about how much I wanted to write it, and occasionally actually doing the thing—the plight of every writer. At the beginning, I struggled with how exactly to begin; later, I struggled on how exactly to end it, even though I did have some idea of what I wanted to happen with the characters. The topic of connecting the beginning to the end was also a whole issue: the fic is set during—or, more accurately, around—season 6 of The Vampire Diaries, and I knew I wanted it to begin before the place where the season begins, and I eventually figured out I wanted to rework what happens in the season finale, which gave me my ending, but I didn’t much care for what happens during the season itself. I’ve been-there-done-that when it comes to reimagining canon, and that’s not what this fic was about: so much so that, for someone who writes sequentially, I will now tell on myself and admit that the bits that occur during the season were the last ones I wrote.

All of this made me struggle with the strucutre of this fic a lot, hesitating on how I wanted to break the chapters, and what kind of relationships I wanted the chapters to have to each other. I find that “structure” is always a Topic in my writing and, looking back, none of my fics are structured the same: if one looks at the combination of narrative point of view, the passing of time, and how different sections relate to each other, I actually think I tend to tackle this issue in a story-specific manner, which I don’t think is a very common approach. Alternatively, one aspect that I’m very set in my ways in is POV and tense: whether multiple or single-character, I (almost?) always write from a limited 3^rd person, present tense, and other than ocasional deliances into 2^nd person, I don’t see myself compelled to change this anytime soon.

But the struggles are only part of the journey, the story working like an abstract puzzle; I just have to rearrange the pieces until I am satisfied with what I see, and I so do love that kind of challenge. Which, of course, means: I had so much fun with this fic. Matt’s POV was delightful to write. I’m an unapologetic Matt Donovan fan (and—absolutely unrelated but still worth saying—I am also an unaplogetic Klaus hater, two opinions that are very uncommon in the TVD fandom lol) so getting to write from his POV, getting to get into his head a bit, was off the bat a delightful thing. I so enjoyed writing his struggle with his own experiences and with his feelings towards the supernatural; I also appreciated getting to explore his extremely traumatic childhood (lord, the love I have for him <33) and how all of this colors his ideas and perceptions and visions for the future. I also very much enjoyed not making him a cop (ACAB, Matt!!). Speaking of shattering his illusions for the future, I have to say that Matt’s sexuality struggles were something I did not set out to write at first, but fuck if I don’t love to write gay men who love women. And, it turns out, a gay Matt Donovan can be something that is very personal to a person, because I am obsessed with him now. I love how I get to write and explore him and his relationships; the second part of the fic, in particular, features plenty of Matt’s relationship with Elena, and those were such fun bits to write (stick to the ending if you want one more 👀).

This fic is also (as anyone who has read it for sure knows by now) a very smutty fic. It’s a hot fic, if I say so myself. There has been no slow burn that will ever compare to the slow burn between me and writing smut, but I think I can say we are in a committed relationship at last. I do love writing smut, and the more I get into a story, the easier it becomes, and the more fun I can have. If I’m honest, I don’t think smut will ever not be at least a bit weird to write, at least when you are starting out a new project and still getting a feel of the waters, but it sure can be fun and rewarding.

That said, there is something about this whole project that I do have to tell on myself about, and that is: am I the only one for whom The Vampire Diaries is just too damn depressing? Good GOD if this show doesn’t make me wanna curl into a ball and cry⁴. I wasn’t expecting this at all. I thought this show would be more of fun, messy, chaotic teen shenanigans, not full-blown tragedy every season finale—which is why I am still yet to begin season 7 even though it’s been 8 months since I finished season 6. I’m watching this show along with my sister (in fact, she was watching it alone, and then I jumped on the bandwagon sometime in early season 2, and we’ve been watching together since) and she doesn’t feel as miserable watching TVD as I do, so I think this maybe be a me problem, but fuck, I just want these characters happy and safe. And since the show insists on not giving it to me (along with not giving me MattJer, which I’ve been saying since season 3 should’ve been endgame—my sister can testify to this), I decided to take matters into my own hands.

Anyway, I digress; after all, I may suffer a lot, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. Especially not when I get to pop in my earbuds, click play on Older (and Wiser), and escape back into the goodness of this little fake world. I truly do mean it when I say that writing makes me happy—I know nothing else like it.

I’m taking a break of the TVD world for now and indulging in what may be my most insane chaotic rareshipper idea to date (that is, a Downton Abbey, post-TGF, Michael/Edith/Bertie fic, you’re welcome) but, if everything goes according to plan, I’ll be back soon. I have an Dalaric-centric Damon/Alaric/Jo one-shot I’ve been toying with (very hot and very full with hopeless pining), and I may write an even more insane follow-up to what i want that will be set a year or so into the future and feature Matt and Jeremy along with my favorite Original?! No promises, but I sure do have a document with some bullet-points for that fic saved on my computer ¯_(ツ)_/¯

To end, as promise, a deleted excerpt from what i want. To contextualize: before I settled on the fic’s current two part structure, I tried adding a middle part that would follow the events from the season, including Jeremy leaving and Matt getting hurt. In the end, it felt too forced and I wasn’t interested in it enough, so I deleted the whole thing, but I was very sorry to do so because there were some passages I really liked. There were two or three that ended up being repurposed (for example, Matt visiting Vicki’s bedroom was originally from this part of the fic, but I loved it too much to let it go), but one I sequence of scenes I couldn’t find a place for were around when Matt got staked and then refused Elena’s blood. I think that part is so important for Matt’s character arc in this season and was sorry to not include it directly in the fic. I also really love the scenes themselves, and I love Matt and Elena’s relationship and any time I get to explore it⁵, so I thought sharing them on the side would be fun. So… here they are. Enjoy!

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Bonus! Deleted excerpt from what i want (has never been this hard)

^{Note: the following paragraphs are for entertainment purposes only. No copyright infrigement intended.}

★

He keeps on slipping between states of consciousness, Tyler’s panicked shouting not enough to keep him up properly, but the walk from the car into the hospital is enough to wake him up again. Tyler rushes them into the emergency room, calling out for a doctor as he struggles to keep Matt upright.

It’s Elena who comes to them instead. Later, Matt won’t be sure when exactly he makes the decision: he still feels it, the promise of imminent relief as he watches Elena bring her wrist to her lips, but the word tumbles out of his mouth nonetheless, decided and definitive, “No.”

He stays in the hospital for four days, and there’s little else he thinks of during that time other than his interactions with Elena. He can’t even spare much energy towards being mad at Stefan and Caroline for putting him in the hospital in the first place, not when there’s everything else to contend with.

If he’s honest, the decision to refuse Elena’s blood hadn’t been something he had ever properly thought through before; yet, he can’t find himself to regret it. It makes sense to him, in a way few things do: it that had made sense to him then, when he was still bent over with pain, and it makes sense to him now, as he lies in a hospital bed, starting to heal from a wound that he knows will take months before he fully recovers from. He doesn’t regret it. But- there’s something about the hurt in her eyes as she heard him refuse her help that doesn’t settle as easily.

That pain- it pierces him down, sears him in that place where he will always love her; it tugs at the heartstrings of his heart that still resonate to her frequency. Elena’s been his friend—his closest friend—since before he either of them could string two words together, a North star of sorts, through which he could orient and find himself. But she’d offered her help and her hand, and Matt had refused both, and that feels like he’s open a crack between them that he’s not sure they’ll ever be able to cross.

She’s a vampire, he keeps on reminding himself. Just like Stefan, just like Caroline. Just like them, she’s done despicable things. She, too, would let one of her oldest friends almost kill him if the mood struck.

And yet, when he closes his eyes, all he sees is her, just as she is.

“Matt,” Elena sighs, her voice surprised, when she picks up. It’s been nearly three weeks since they last spoke—Matt has a hard time remembering ever being that long without talking to her. “I’m so glad you called, I- How are you?” She’s nervous, he understands. He can’t remember the last time she was nervous talking to him; though to be fair, he can’t remember the last time he was nervous around her either. He hadn’t even consciously decided to do it; by the time he noticed he was doing, he had already dialed.

“I’m- good. The wound is healing well. Jo says that, as long as I behave, I should be able to go back to work in a week or so,” he says. He shifts on the couch, laying down so he can look up at the ceiling. There’s a cobweb in the corner he’s been meaning to clean, but keeps forgetting about.

“That’s good, I’m glad,” Elena says, her tone still shifty. “I don’t know if anyone’s told you, but we’ve come up with a plan to get Caroline back. Stefan’s been helping. I think- I hope this is the one.”

“Oh, that’s- that’s good,” he says, swallowing thickly. He doesn’t think it would do them any good to tell her that he’s actually been trying not to think much of Caroline, because every time he does, all he feels is her hands holding him in place as Tyler drove a stake into him, and then laughing in amusement as he fell to the floor. Caroline is a good person—he knows that, has seen it first-hand—but he’s been having a hard time recalling that lately.

“It won’t be easy,” Elena continues. “Not just getting her to turn her humanity on, but afterwards, too. Those- those first few days are awful. Stefan will be there, and we hope that helps, but- She’ll be crushed. I hope we can manage to keep her afloat.”

Matt hums, buying himself some time. At last, he manages to say, “It’s Caroline. If there’s one thing we can count on, is she bringing herself back on track out of sheer determination if nothing else.” He even manages to keep his tone somewhat light.

Elena chuckles. “I guess.”

After that, the silence settles, thick and awkward even through the phone. Matt squirms, thinking of what to say; he doesn’t remember feeling so out of synch with her ever since they broke up. But he knows he’s the one who needs to speak, so he forces himself to get his head in order. “I- I wanted to apologize, Elena,” he says at last, eyes fixed on the damned cobweb. “I’m sorry about how I reacted at the hospital. I- I know you were only trying to help, and it’s not that I regret my choice, but I was angry and ended up taking it out on you-”

“Hey, it’s okay,” Elena says, interrupting him. “I know you have the right to choose to take my blood or not. I shouldn’t have pushed you. I know what it’s like to have vampire blood forced on you,” she adds more quietly, a sardonic edge to her tone.

For a moment, he doesn’t know what to say. He’d forgotten how understanding she can be. “Thanks,” he says. “If I’m honest, I’m still wrapping my head around this whole vampire business. I feel like I should’ve figure it out right now, but this last year-” He thinks of Sarah- that is, Monique, of Enzo killing her in cold blood just for the hell of it, thinks of the poor people Stefan and Caroline had been terrorizing. “I thought I had worked it out, that I was fine with everything, but it’s been- And now Sheriff Forbes is gone, and I don’t know who to turn to anymore. Who will help keep us safe.”

Because vampires, he’s learned, are volatile creatures. He's seen it plenty in Damon and Stefan, in Elena, even; wills change fast when vampires are involved. And they are already faster and stronger than any human can ever wish to be. Whenever those shifting wills lead to humans becoming acceptable collateral damage, there is be no one capable of standing up for them. Matt has accepted his own fate in all this—that continuing to let himself be involved will lead to his death, sooner or later—but the innocent people of Mystic Falls haven’t. All those people, the ones who still get to go to bed at night unaware of what lies in the dark, haven’t.

Elena hums, sounding thoughtful. “I hear you, Matt, I really do,” she says, the but on the tip of her tongue loud and clear. “I know you think you’re alone in all this, but you aren’t. I want Mystic Falls to be safe too. And I know the other do too. It’s just been- It’s been a lot.” She sighs, sounding weary and exhausted in a way vampires shouldn’t be able to be. “But I’m still- I’m still me, Matt, okay? I know becoming a vampire changed things, changed me, but I’m still me. I am.” There’s something desperate about her insistence, as if the words are as much for herself as they are for him.

Matt nods. “I know you are,” he says, softly, his heart growing soft for her in that familiar manner he’s long accepted it always will. “I know you, Elena. But…” It frightens him, how thin the separation between human and beast is for vampire, how easily they can slip from the first to the former, how hard it is to reverse it. “I guess I’m just scared of what you can be.”

★