Things Celebrities Should Do, Because All The Gossip Is Boring Or Depressing Right Now

Things Celebrities Should Do, Because All The Gossip Is Boring Or Depressing Right Now

a.k.a. I made up some gossip for you.

by Victoria Edel

Celebrity gossip is not giving us anything right now, so I made a wishlist of what I wish some celebs would do so we can have some fun!!!

Ben Affleck dates a man.

Ben and Jen, like the summer heat, will be done by October 1, and Mr. Dunkin Donuts will be searching for his next scene partner. Why not really shake things up and date a man? I know Richard Madden will want headlines to promote Eternals...

Kelly Clarkson rebounds with Pedro Pascal.

Pedro is absurdly hot. Kelly deserves a tabloid story that isn't just about her good-for-nothing ex-husband screwing her over in the divorce proceedings. They would look great at the Emmy's together!!!

Cher buys a sports team.

Last year (or earlier this year? time is fake?) a bunch of celebrities announced they made an ownership group for a new women's soccer team in L.A., called Angel City F.C. To quote Wikipedia, its owners include "Becky G, Natalie Portman, Eva Longoria, Mia Hamm, and Serena Williams" (I can only assume Becky G herself wrote this Wikipedia page). It makes sense for all their brands. What doesn't make sense is Cher buying the Buffalo Bills. Which is why she should do it.

Barbra Streisand and James Brolin give a lengthy, joint interview about how they have an open marriage.

I don't know if they have an open marriage, but they definitely have the vibes for it. Did Babs bang Mandy Patinkin?? Tell us!

Taylor Swift reveals she secretly got married and shares every single photo in Vogue.

I do think Taylor and the guy from The Favourite — no, not him, the other one — got secretly married, but I don't think she will ever tell us or share any photos from the day. But boy do I want to spend a month dissecting 100 photos!! Was Selena Gomez there? Abigail? What is Joe Alwyn like?

Hailey Baldwin-Bieber dumps Justin and goes on a public sexual journey.

In general I don't root for people to break up, but Hailey and Justin have had incredibly dark vibes since their very fast marriage, and their 2019 Vogue cover only made it worse. You don't have to read it, but know that the implication was that Justin was in a very precarious mental health place, and both he and Hailey felt it was her job to spend all her time helping and supporting him. She was only 22! Hailey, to me, lacks any sort of charisma, but if she dumped Justin and was spotted with every single, famous hot person, I could find myself more interested in what she's got going on.

One Direction reunites.

This isn't that outlandish (I hope?) I just want it to happen very badly, so figured I'd slip it in here.

Lizzo surprise drops a romantic comedy where she falls in love with John Boyega.

We need more surprise drops of albums and songs and TV shows and movies in general, but this one would make me happy, so...

Literally any celebrity comes out as LGBTQ+.

Anyone! Just do it! It'll be fun! People will be into it! Give a full interview about it, if you want, or just post it on your Instagram story. You can even just use some pre-made stickers like Sophie Turner!

Meg Ryan joins the Real Housewives of New York City.

I love Meg. I want to know why she and John Mellencamp got back together, and engaged, only to break up again. I want to know what her day-to-day life is like. I want her to take the other RHONY women to dinner and mention Nora Ephron. But I would also settle for basically any famous person who lives in New York — Sarah Jessica Parker, Claire Danes, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Jennifer Lawrence, Bette Middler, Mary-Kate and/or Ashley Olsen — except Hilaria Baldwin/Hillary Thomas, because I know she wants it too bad.

Christopher Walken finally tells us what happened to Natalie Wood.

He knows. He knows!

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