Victoria: Last month, Netflix released the long-awaited sequel to The Princess Switch — The Princess Switch: Switched Again. Both of us watched it this week, and it sure is a film!
If you haven't seen the first one, or, like me, don't remember it at all, the first few minutes of this film recap that one in a very cute and inventive animation sequence (almost nothing that follows is cute or inventive). Basically, Vanessa Hudgens plays Chicago baker Stacey, who competes in a baking contest in a small, fake European country. There she meets Margaret, a royal — duchess? unsure — who's supposed to marry the prince and who happens to look just like Stacey. They switch places because of reasons, and Stacey falls for the prince and Margaret falls for Stacey's BFF Kevin. Everyone is happy, the end.
When this movie starts, Stacey and Prince Edward are married. Edward is sad Stacey is so busy because he just wants to fuck (this is subtext, but it's true. Edward is treated so rudely in this film!). Anyway, Margaret recently learned she's going to be queen of her fake country, which ruined her relationship with Kevin. Stacey helpfully convinces Kevin — who is so hot and wears a lot of good turtlenecks — to bring his daughter Olivia to Margaret's coronation, which is taking place on Christmas.
Vanessa Hudgens also plays Margaret's cousin Fiona, who's vapid and evil and sounds like me when I get drunk and pretend I'm British. She wants to kidnap Margaret so she can steal money to fund her lifestyle.
I think that's enough background info. This movie is a mere ninety minutes, but feels much longer. I wondered if I was doing it a disservice by sitting down and actually watching it, instead of letting it play in the background while I did something else, like wrap presents or make cookies. There's also absolutely no reason for this film to be a Christmas movie, except that the holiday justifies its absurd existence, I guess. Sometimes I wonder if the people who write Christmas movies know what real people do on Christmas.
How did you like the movie, Hayley? Do you think that characters in this movie have seen The Crown? Do you think Kate Middleton would switch lives with someone else if given the chance?
Hayley: It's hard to know where to start with this movie, so I will start with the small positive: Vanessa Hudgens does three separate performances very well. As well as this film demands them to be, which, if you can't already tell...the bar is not that high. But because she is genuinely a charming screen presence, this movie works more than, say, any of the Christmas Prince movies.
There are three locations in this movie: Belgravia, where Stacey and Prince Edward live; Montenaro, where Margaret is going to be Queen (I guess); and Chicago, where Kevin and his daughter Olivia are running Stacey's bakery. These fake country names kill me, hearing them makes me go cross-eyed. And then Chicago! Which is the only real place we get in this film! Hey, good for you Chicago! Did you also know that there is a direct flight from Montenaro to Chicago? And at some point Stacey wants to fly from Belgravia to Chicago "on her way" to Montenaro? Stop it! Stop this right now, Netflix! What is happening here? I don't think it's important to include this much fake geography in a 90-minute movie.
Another thing that is important is that in order to tell them apart, besides accents, Stacey and Margaret are given one-word personality traits. Stacey is "organized" and Margaret is "spontaneous". And they don't even do anything "organized" or "spontaneous" besides constantly being told that they are organized and spontaneous. Like very early on in the movie Stacey is sitting in this disaster of a royal bedroom suite with two Christmas trees, papers spread all over her bed, working hard on something, when Edward comes in, pulling a shirt over his bare chest, and all he wants to do is f u c k. But Stacey? She's so organized, such a planner, so busy — she cannot fuck her husband. I know that this sounds weird and judgmental to say this about a married woman's sex life, but you have to believe me that Netflix does not make Stacey remotely appealing in any way when she is the franchise PROTAGONIST. Edward is literally lied to throughout this entire movie, sometimes by Stacey but MOSTLY by Olivia who is maybe 11 years old. I don't know why the writers hate Edward.
I feel like Margaret is my favorite character, but I can't even tell you why. Maybe because I'm jealous that she gets to end up with Kevin, who is the hottest man in this film and blows Prince Edward out of the water so hard that it's almost laughable? If anyone in this world has seen The Crown, it's Margaret. Is The Crown available on Netflix Montenaro? I think if Kate Middleton tried to do the ol' switcheroo, she would literally combust. She's been with William since like 2005 (I'm not fact checking, this feels approximately correct) so I don't believe it would be very believable to try and do this with someone you've known for 15 years? Stacey, Margaret, and Fiona (lol oh yeah Fiona) have like maybe 2-3 more years left to keep up their switching hijinks, if they chose to do so. Do you think Netflix will make another one of these?
It's hilarious to me that we have discussed so much yet barely scraped the surface of what this film contains in terms of pure plot detail that goes nowhere. This is why it feels like it's 3 hours long, every scene has its own exposition about the previous scene *and* a dramatic lead up to the following scene. It's bad writing!
Victoria: There is a lot of evidence that this movie does not take place on planet Earth, or at least not our planet Earth. I would love to see a map.
Your line about Stacey and Margaret’s one-word characteristics made me laugh because....I wouldn't have even picked those words!! The two leading women are just nothing, just bodies in space who make choices for reasons that make no sense. It's incredible.
I also liked Margaret best, even though there was no reason to. I DON'T think she watches The Crown, because, if she did, she would realize that monarchy if dumb and pointless and going to ruin her life, and she would also abdicate and just go be happy with Hot Kevin in Chicago.
Of course Netflix will make another one, but what's truly galling about this film is that they don't even spend that much time switched? Like, the whole fun part is supposed to be them pretending to be each other and how funny that is, but weirdly the switch is not played for humor, but for pathos? Why isn't it fun?! Even when Fiona switches with Stacey who's pretending to be Margaret, it's not funny (Vanessa Hudgens chloroforming herself is funny, though).
Is this really a Christmas movie? Yes, it takes place at Christmas, but no one says things like, "It's Christmas" or "I couldn't go another Christmas without you" or "I don't want to be alone for Christmas" or "That's what Christmas really means," the way people usually do in Christmas movies. No one even gives someone else a present! There is some vague discussion of orphans (why are there always orphanages in royal Christmas movies?) and there are decorations and hot chocolate and they play Kelly Clarkson's "Underneath the Tree," but nothing about the plot has a single thing to do with the holiday! Why is Margaret having her coronation on Christmas, except that it lets them put Christmas trees in the church? The whole movie would make more sense if it took place in like February!
Hayley: Wow, you’re correct, this is definitely a February movie because much like February, it drags on seemingly forever with no bright spots.
Yes I agree, this movie (if we can call it that) does not live up to it's "Switched Again" name. I feel like if Fiona wasn't evil, maybe they all could have switched and spent more time switched and had a little fun with it? What am I even saying? You can't save this movie.
I agree that there is nothing remotely Christmas-y about this. At least The Christmas Prince does a better job of this, and the entire country/town of Aldovia is very obsessed with Christmas and there are Christmas-specific things written into their weird laws. But in Switched Again, it's like, here are some Christmas trees, are you happy? When Olivia takes Prince Edward shopping and then negs him for caring about his wife's well-being, he picks up a big gaudy Christmas tie and is like "This is nice." That is maybe the most Christmas-y thing we get in this movie, some nondescript holiday shopping.
LOL I don't even think Stacey is "organized" and Margaret is "spontaneous" — these words have just been lobbed at them. It's like in twin movies where one is kooky and the other is British! Why are these personalities? They're not! I'm trying to think if anyone has a personality in this movie and the closest is probably...Kevin?
This is 90 minutes of pure mess and the ending is so bizarre it made me laugh out loud and go, "NO!" Another thing this does is the classic thing of including some songs that aren't actually Christmas songs but are Christmas in key and chord progression and then are Mad-Libbed with lyrics like "mistletoe" and "snow." It's a holly jolly nightmare.
Victoria: Poor Prince Edward and his little Christmas tie. The man tried so hard! Evil cousin Fiona wouldn't shut up about how hot he is, which he isn't, but I still felt bad for him.
The song at the end does exactly what you say! It's not a classic Christmas song, just a song that says the word "mistletoe" a lot for no reason? Who writes all these bland Christmas songs that are cheap enough to use in made-for-TV Christmas films? I feel like I could do that and it seems lucrative.
Something that did make me laugh was the difference between the two thumbnails Netflix used to represent this film for me:
The photo for Switched Again is very "not your Grandma's Princess Switch," which ended up being a lie. The film was in no way sexy, except for Prince Edward who wanted to have nice, married sex with his pretty wife.
We are very excited to announce the very first Gold-Plated Girls Movie Night! Join us on our Twitter this Saturday, December 12th at 7pm EST as we watch and share our thoughts on the Netflix Christmas classic, the first Princess Switch. Whether you love it, hate it, or haven’t seen it — it’s going to be a fun time!
Things Victoria Likes:
Read this feature about Donny Hathaway’s “This Christmas,” which he wrote wanting to create an iconic Christmas tune for black people. It’s very moving.
Bleachers and Bruce Springsteen performed their song “chinatown” on a rooftop. Watch!
If you want to read some Christmas-y books, I recommend the very cute romcom Headliners by Lucy Parker, and Landline by Rainbow Rowell.
The Prom goes on Netflix today. I haven’t watched yet, and I’m very worried I will hate it, BUT the original Broadway cast recording is great and worthy of your attention, even if the film is bad.
Stuff Hayley Is Into:
If you’re into yoga, Urban Sanctuary is a very cool studio based in Denver that has an amazing IG and also offers classes like “Tarot and Flow” and a bedtime yoga nidra guided meditation class (aka, extremely my shit).
This book is a really cute and fun little gift to give anyone who enjoys astrology! (Or you can buy it for yourself like I did!)
My brother runs a very niche Star Wars meme Instagram and he and his friend just created a music video that I enjoyed A LOT called “Flyin’ Solo.”
This no-knead Dutch oven bread from Jessica in the Kitchen is SO GOOD AND EASY. You HAVE to make it. You will feel like the world’s most invincible baker! I made two loaves in one day because it was that easy.
Gold-Plated Girls comes out twice a week, on Tuesdays and Fridays! Don’t forget to check out Hayley’s defense of New Year’s Eve from Tuesday!