By: Victoria Edel
As a loyal reader of entertainment magazines for my entire youth and teenage-dom, I love charts about pop culture. One of the most iconic to me was the Bullseye in all "Entertainment Weekly" issues, where new cultural moments were ranked by how close they were to the bullseye. New York Magazine also has their iconic approval matrix. I have always wanted to make charts representing my celebrity opinions, and then I remembered I could.
First up, we have a chart of celebrity relationships. The genesis of this one is I was thinking about how Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis; and Scarlett Johannson and Colin Jost are trying to get into the "relatable" celebrity couple game, as patented by Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard. And then I started thinking about how so many celebrity couples are marketed as a commodity together, and the different things they're trying to get across as a unit. So I threw some of them on a chart:
Basically I was trying to chart the vibe they're going for and how well it's going. Some people's brands are hurt by their association with the other member of their couple — Beyoncé, I am looking at you — while others are definitely strengthened. Kristen and Dax are much stronger together than they are apart, but I still don't trust them. Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson are hurt by the fact that their son is Chet Hanks (and we will be returning to Chet in the course of this email). I felt the least sure about Taylor and Joe's placement — I don't think his "Conversations With Friends" press tour helped him, but it did feel like in a weird way it secured that he doesn't just want to be Taylor Swift's partner? Their placement (and everyone's) is subject to change at any time.
Also, even though someone is cringe that doesn't mean people aren't interested in them! People eat up a lot of the couples are the bottom half of this chart (though maybe not ScarJo and CoJo).
Next! News broke a couple months back that Dakota Johnson and Sydney Sweeney are joining a Marvel movie, and I thought, "Wait, aren't they already in a Marvel movie?" No, they're not — I was thinking of Florence Pugh. And then I realized that all those thin, white It-girls are kind of just iterations of the same person. A chart!
Honestly I don't think this needs more explanation and I stand by it. I almost put Anya Taylor-Joy on it, but I think she differentiates herself enough. Ditto Kristen Stewart. I will accept your submissions as we find more thin, white It-girls.
My last weird obsession is coming up with a taxonomy of Leo men. This started with Jennifer Lopez — J. Lo is a Leo, and so is A-Rod, and so is Ben Affleck. Girl, what?! And then I realized I like many celeb men who are Leos (I am also a Leo), and I also hate many. Here's the matrix without names:
The top half of the chart are the guys you want to be with. The bottom half is not. You may notice that some of the men on the top half have been married multiple times, but it's more about the energy. They seem like if you went to the Oscars with them they would want the photographers to mostly take lots of photos of you. The guys on the bottom would push you out of the way to be in the pic, and also would maybe hit on the girl handing out water bottles. Without further adieu:
The top right corner is much closer together than can be shown on this chart — it's like all maps of Europe. Arnold, A-Rod, and Tom are basically all sharing a dot. Jason Momoa ruined his extreme wife guy energy by getting divorced; not sure where he will land. Taika clearly wants to be a wife guy with Rita, but all guys who break up with their long-term partner when they get famous are sus and lose points there. You will see both of J. Lo's most recent fiancés are on the bottom half of this chart, and that's not an accident.
So those were some charts! Hope that helps.