My Top 5 Favorite Things Victoria Has Written For Gold-Plated Girls

By: Hayley Schueneman

This is a very special day over at Gold-Plated Girls, because it is Victoria’s birthday. And what better way to celebrate our Leo queen than with a surprise essay about my top five favorite things she’s written since we started this newsletter?

I’m limiting my list to this newsletter, because if I had to include all of my favorite Reductress headlines she’s coined (because chances are you’ve thought about this one at least once a day since 2018) or this New Yorker piece that is SADLY STILL RELEVANT, this would be the longest essay ever. So, without further ado, let’s dive in:

5) Do You Remember Mariah Carey’s Ring Pop Ring?

Victoria wrote this when GPG was really hitting its stride. We had been posting twice a week for nearly two months, and this little newsletter we dreamed up started to feel like it had depth. We had people reading it who seemed to enjoy and anticipate getting it!

Having absolutely no memory of this Ring Pop Ring, I was so delighted to read this retelling. And what’s more, it’s a great example of how well Victoria always weaves personal details and broader themes together into something that could just be a chance to make a bunch of jokes, and ends up putting together a really beautiful, weird, fun essay.

4) Fan Casting Some Beloved Novels

A very frequent topic of discussion in our texts to each other is casting. And Victoria is very, very, very good at casting movies and TV shows that do not exist yet but SHOULD. Speaking of, they are now making a Guys & Dolls movie and that is 100% due to Victoria writing this very piece, and also talking, texting, and tweeting about it nonstop. This piece also makes me realize that there is a veritable nexus of power at the intersection of her knowledge of literature, TV, movies, and plays.

3) The 10 Best Ice Creams I Have Ever Had

While our newsletter is loosely pop culture-themed, from the beginning we wanted it to be a space to write about whatever we felt like. We are big on feelings. We are also big on food, and both enjoy cooking as well as eating snacks.

I know you’ll find this hard to believe, but sometimes we do not know what we want to write about and we procrastinate a lot. I know! The curtain has been pulled back to show that Writers! They’re Just Like Us! When Victoria said she was thinking about a few different essay ideas and suggested this one I was like YES PLEASE.

This essay is one of my absolute favorites, and if this was behind a paywall, I would pay $5 just to read this. It’s so personal, but universal. It’s tender but not cloying. It’s perfect, like a twist cone with rainbow sprinkles.

2) ‘Dash & Lily’ & My Existential Crisis

This is so good. I mean, any essay that starts with “I am very sad” is immediately going to grab my attention. This is peak Victoria: it is sentimental, it is holiday-themed, it is vulnerable, and it taps into the collective feeling of the moment. This came out in mid-November 2020, a really shitty time overall.

There were many low moments during last year, but everything felt especially concentrated as we drew closer to a holiday season that would simply not. be. fun. I re-read this essay like I revisit my own journal entries, to get a sense of what the general vibe was at that time. It hits deep.

1) “Mamma Mia 3: Knives Out 2”

You knew it was coming!!!!!!! I’m laughing just typing this. Oh my god, what a treat this is to read. While Victoria does sentimental writing very well, she is also very fucking funny (please refer to her Reductress page again) and this is just perfection.

It has the frenzied, wine-fueled energy of Mamma Mia and the chaotic drama of Knives Out all in one incredible essay. Sometimes I have to remind myself that this is NOT ACTUALLY BEING MADE INTO A MOVIE and I get sad. But whenever I need a pick-me-up, I read this. I also love that the title sounds like a joke movie from the 30 Rock cinematic universe.

It’s hard to narrow all of Victoria’s essays down into a top 5, because they’re all very good. I don’t know if you know this, but Victoria? A good writer. You should follow her on Instagram and Twitter and wish her a happy birthday and share your own favorite GPG essays of hers and shower her with compliments.

She deserves it, sure, but as a Leo it is actually a requirement to do so.