Last night, news broke that Knives Out 2, the followup to 2019’s hit mystery Knives Out, will soon start filming in Greece. Daniel Craig will return as the absurd detetive Benoit Blanc, but director and write Rian Johnson has yet to announce the rest of the cast.
Of course, we here at Gold-Plated Girls read the word “Greece” and we think one thing: Mamma Mia.
So I quickly started imagining my dream film: Mamma Mia 3: Knives Out 2. While at first this combination might seem too zany, it actually meshes well with the plot of Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again, famously the The Godfather: Part Two of Mamma Mia films.
In Mamma Mia 2, we learn that Meryl Streep’s Donna has died off-screen. It’s sort of implied that she was sick, but never made explicit; in fact, I kept waiting for it to be revealed that Donna had actually gone missing in a boating accident and she was presumed dead, but actually still alive. And then she’d show up, smiling, at the end of the film. This is not the case; Meryl is very dead.
But! We can still make it so that Donna died in a boating accident. Pierce Brosnan’s Sam identified the body; the boat was never found. But now, years later, Sophie (Amanda Seyfriend) and Sky (Dominic Cooper) are expanding their beautific hotel, which involves some light construction in the water, and what do they find, but Donna’s boat!! And her body is in the boat!! And she’s been stabbed!! (Yes, this is exactly how they find Rebecca’s body in Rebecca. Daphne du Maurier knew what she was doing and so we shall pay ode to her here.)
Cher (Cher), Meryl Streep’s mom, calls Benoit Blanc to figure out who killed Donna. This also gives us our first song, ABBA’s “Ring Ring.” He agrees to come to Greece and brings Lakeith Stanfield with him, because Lakeith should have had the chance to do more in Knives Out OG. We will be righting that wrong here.
Much like Chrstopher Plummer (RIP, king) in Knives Out, Meryl Streep appears via flashback as Benoit pieces together just how she died. He interviews all our favorite Mamma Mia people — Christine Baranski objectifies him with a spirited reprise of “Does Your Mother Know?,” Colin Firth bumbles his way through, and Piece Brosnan definitely seems like he did it. I mean, Sam and Donna got married at the end of Mamma Mia after being reunited for…two days? Two days in which they mostly were mad at each other and didn’t speak. Before that, they were together for…one month twenty years ago. Despite my belief in ever-lasting love, it’s not hard to see this marriage falling apart and ending in murder.
We can also visit small characters from the original films who never got their moment in the sun. Does the guy who sang “Kisses of Fire” whose mom gave Donna her hotel for free hold a long-standing grudge? Does the lady who threw the sticks during “Dancing Queen” hate all these random-ass Americans and Brits? What did Andy Garcia’s Fernando do during the war with Cher? Time to find out!!!
And of course we can add in more famous people! I have long felt that Nikolaj Coster-Waldau and Gwendoline Christie should bring their beautiful blonde heads to the franchise full of beautiful blondes; Nikolaj, as a Scandy man, can be the nephew of Bill (Stellan Skarsgård), and Gwendoline can be Donna’s niece. Nikolaj would be a fancy hotel guy who’s trying to buy Sophie out of the hotel. Gwendoline is just there for moral support amid the murder investigation. Obviously they fall in love and sing “Super Trouper” together because that’s my favorite ABBA song, even if the words have literally nothing to do with the plot of either Mamma Mia film.
Eventually, Julie Walters’ Rosie, the person you least suspect, confesses she killed Donna via a rousing rendition of “The Winner Takes It All.” Rosie resents having always lived in Donna’s shadow, and true Mamma Mia-heads will remember that she and Bill had a messy breakup before sort of reconciling in the second film. That’s motive. Christina Baranski weeps. Amanda Seyfried gets divorced and leaves Greece. She does sell the hotel to Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, and he and Gwendoline Christie are very happy there. Daniel Craig eats a ton of baklava. We have finished watching the very first murder mystery/jukebox musical. It wins 11 Oscars.
Rian Johnson, please call me.