I miss the original Sex and the City. The good ol’ days of glitzy, campy New York City and the exploits of (in this order) Samantha, Miranda, Charlotte, Steve, Harry, Smith, Aidan, Stanford, Candace Bergen as the mean Vogue exec, Natasha, Brady, Scooter, and ok sure, Carrie.
And Just Like That is not Sex and the City. Probably because they are not legally allowed to use the word “Sex” in the title anymore, due to false advertising. So far we have gotten sex scenes from teenage Brady and his girlfriend (why), Miranda getting fingered in Carrie’s kitchen (then bizarro, perfume ad-esque flashbacks of that scene), and a few seconds of sex from a secondary—dare I say tertiary?—couple who are trying to get pregnant (or maybe they’re not??)
AJLT is not canon, as my friend Brita so bravely texted while we watched the first two episodes in shock and horror. It’s like fan fiction written by a bot. It sucks a lot, it’s not fun to watch, save for the one Samantha Irby-penned episode where Carrie undergoes hip surgery. All of the characters are doing things so insanely against their established storylines that it is aggravating to witness this come off the rails.
So I’m doing what obsessive writers have done since the cave paintings of Lascaux (probably) and writing my own goddamn version of things. Please enjoy a few scenes from what I would like to see in my And Just Like That.
EXT. STREET
CARRIE exits an apartment building. She is wearing cropped khaki cargo pants, gold Manolo Blahnik gladiator heels that have strings that wrap all the way up to her knees, a lime green racerback crop top, a sheer white linen button down, teardrop pearl earrings, and her Carrie necklace. She looks frazzled, she’s late.
CARRIE (V.O.)
After spending so much time in the city that never sleeps, I had finally started abusing the snooze button.
CARRIE runs across the street and hails a cab.
CARRIE (V.O) CON’T
North of 50, my beauty sleep had started to become more important to me than waiting in line at Pastiche until two in the morning.
INT. BRUNCH RESTAURANT
CARRIE runs in. She joins a table where SAMANTHA, MIRANDA, and CHARLOTTE are holding menus.
SAMANTHA
It’s about time! I’m starving.
MIRANDA
You’re not starving because Carrie’s late, you’re starving because that keto diet has fucked up your metabolism.
SAMANTHA
Say what you will, but I have more energy now than I ever did in my 30s. Ketosis is divine.
CHARLOTTE
I heard that keto gives you really bad (whispers) poops.
CARRIE
You know what? I’m going to leave and come back in again.
MIRANDA
Please don’t, before this all Charlotte could talk about was yoga.
CHARLOTTE
I love Adriene!
CARRIE
Who’s this now?
CHARLOTTE
Yoga with Adriene!
CARRIE
Honey I’m gonna need at least four or five more words per sentence here.
CHARLOTTE
She’s a yoga teacher who has her own YouTube channel. She’s amazing! The school counselor recommended that we do a grounding family activity while Rock transitions, so we’ve been doing these yoga classes. The theme for this month is “Trust.”
SAMANTHA
Funny, my theme for this month is “Thrust”
MIRANDA
And mine is “Enough”
CARRIE
Sweetie, that’s great. I’m happy you found something to do as a family.
MIRANDA
The last time we did something as a family was cleaning out Steve’s mom’s storage unit.
CHARLOTTE
Miranda I think you really need something like Yoga with Adriene.
MIRANDA
And I think I really need another cup of coffee.
EXT. SIDEWALK
CARRIE and SAMANTHA walk together.
CARRIE
You know, even though Big’s been dead for two years, I still can’t bring myself to date again.
SAMANTHA
That’s because you shouldn’t be dating, honey, you should be fucking.
CARRIE
Wow okay, care to elaborate to the grieving widow over here?
SAMANTHA
Listen, I don’t want to be insensitive. Grieving is difficult. But until you stop holding a vigil in your vagina, how can you ever expect to move on?
CARRIE
I’m listening…
SAMANTHA
You’re putting too much pressure on dating. You can’t tell a man that he’s the first person you’ve fucked since your dead husband, that’s enough to make anyone in a 10 mile radius go flaccid.
CARRIE
Ok maybe I should have asked Miranda about this.
They stop and look at each other. SAMANTHA reaches out and rests her hand on CARRIE's shoulder.
SAMANTHA
Sweetie, I care about you. And more importantly, I care about your vagina. Get on an app, get on a dick, and ride off into that sunset.
INT. CARRIE’S APARTMENT
CARRIE sits at her laptop. She’s wearing an oversized heather grey sweatshirt, blue boyshort underwear, white tube socks, and heeled slippers. She takes a hit off a vape pen.
CARRIE (V.O)
Later that night, I got to thinking about what Samantha had said. I had never thought about casual sex as a cleansing ritual before, and maybe that’s because I never had a reason to. But something was keeping me back from moving on from Big. Could I really exorcise the memory of my dead husband from my sex life...just like that?
INT. YORK-GOLDENBLATT RESIDENCE
CARRIE (V.O.)
Across town, Charlotte was engaging with her own languishing libido.
CHARLOTTE
Harry, we need to talk.
HARRY
(watching TV, not looking at her)
Sure baby, what’s up?
CHARLOTTE
Harry!
HARRY
(looks at her)
I’m listening!
CHARLOTTE
(takes deep breath)
We need to prioritize our sexual relationship again.
HARRY
What do you mean?
CHARLOTTE
I’m feeling very disconnected from you lately and I don’t want to become one of those middle-aged couples who stop having sex!
HARRY
Whoa whoa whoa ok, hold on, we still have sex.
CHARLOTTE
It’s not the same.
HARRY
What do you mean?
CHARLOTTE
I just feel like I’m checking off a box. It’s one more thing on my to-do list. It’s not fun or sexy in the same way.
HARRY
(defensive)
Okay….well it doesn’t feel like checking off a box for me.
CHARLOTTE
I’ve been reading this new book and it has some exercises that I think would be helpful.
CHARLOTTE holds up a copy of “Come As You Are” by Emily Nagoski
HARRY
Exercises like what, calisthenics? I’m already doing the yoga!
CHARLOTTE
Harry! No! They’re exercises where we can write down our fantasies and our turn ons and desires and reconnect with our passions. It’s supposed to be very helpful.
HARRY
So now you’re telling me I gotta do homework to have sex with my wife?
CHARLOTTE
(seriously)
Harry. This is important to me.
HARRY
(softens)
Ok. Hey, come here.
HARRY pulls CHARLOTTE towards him.
HARRY
If it’s important to you, it’s important to me.
HARRY flips through the book.
HARRY
Oh good, there’s pictures!
CHARLOTTE and HARRY laugh and nuzzle into one another.