When I began my yoga teacher training, I learned about Patanjali’s eight limbs of yoga. They are essential components of yoga philosophy and history, and they are Patanjali’s instructions on how to live a morally disciplined, purposeful life.
The eight limbs are: yamas (external disciplines), niyamas (internal disciplines), asana (posture), pranayama (breath control), pratyahara (withdrawal of senses), dharana (concentration), dhyana (meditative absorption), and samadhi (union). The yamas and the niyamas each branch off into five more categories. One of the niyamas is called “svadhyaya”, or “self-study.” This has a myriad number of interpretations, and “self-study” is a broad category. But one way you can engage in svadhyaya is through journaling.
If you know me, even casually, you probably know that my journals are an endless source of fascination and joy. Sometimes I think it should be illegal to document your thoughts from when you were a child/tween/25, but mostly it is a treasure trove of personal discovery. A real asset to my own svadhyaya, if you will.
So, I would like to take a closer look at my earliest surviving journal—my Lisa Frank notebook from 2nd grade. Spelling and punctuation remain true to the source material. The first page is a pre-made questionnaire, which I filled in as such:
Name: Hayley Schueneman
Given to me by: Jennifer Koch
My life from: 2nd grade
Favorite color: pink
Favorite food: chicken legs (Breaded)
Favorite song: Spice up your life
Favorite group: Spice girls
Favorite cartoon: Scooby-Doo
Favorite movie: little Mermaid
Favorite Sport: swiming
Favorite game: Twister
Favorite Subject: Art, Reading
Favorite Pastime: Drawing
Favorite Animal: Dolphin
Favorite Friends: Kati, Taylor, Colleen G.
My Goal is to: fashion designer
Brooks Wheelan once said during a stand-up set that who you are when you’re eight years old is who you are, period. I have found this to be extremely true, for better or for worse. I love the authoritativeness of “My Goal is to: fashion designer.” Also, sucks that Jennifer gave me this journal but didn’t make the “favorite friends” cut!
10-29-97
Love is in the air! Skye and Rory sitting in a tree. Skye was haveing a wedding at afternoon reces and I was a brisdemaid. But when Skye found out Rory dumped her She called of the wedding. But the rest of reces I had fun playing with Ashley. That ends my story. Hayley
I forgot that we used to play “wedding” at recess (excuse me: reces). Was this a Catholic school thing or did other people do this as well? The insidiousness of the wedding industrial complex knows no bounds.
4-7-98
I haven’t told any body yet but I like Jake. I just have a feeling about him. He’s nice, under- standing, and funny. I think he’ll make the perfect boyfriend.
At Christmas Eve mass later this year, Jake would play Joseph and I would play Mary. I had to wear a towel over my head and hold a baby doll under another towel at my stomach and walk down the aisle of a gymnasium filled with folding chairs. Jake/Joseph was supposed to help me walk and I had to pretend to trip a lot. I think we should maybe just not make children pretend to be pregnant. Now I realize that “nice, understanding, and funny” is actually a pretty high bar for men, so maybe I should have just married Jake.
4-17-98
Forget about the last page. I only liked Jake for a little bit. OR when he’s sad. Like one day in gym, I herd him say he couldn’t jump rope. When Mrs. Uskert asked us to show how good we did he stood up and all he did was one mess-up jump and was told to sit down. He hid his face in his knees and then Mrs. Uskert asked him what the was matter he stood up and said a mix of crying and talking and he ran into the bathroom.
Something that I think is hilarious and also terrifying is that so frequently I will journal very specific incidents that happen at school. And I wonder if the people who I write about even remember these kinds of things. We all have a handful of memories that stick out to us from childhood, does Jake remember this? Or not? Luckily I have memorialized his tantrum from 23 years ago.
4-17-98
The person I really like is Johnathon. He sits kiddy-corner from me. I think he will make the perfect boyfriend. (Maybe)
New boyfriend unlocked!!!!!
6-6-98
Ok forget about boyfriends. I still like Jonathan. But enouge of that. No more school! So theres nothing else to talk about but boyfriends! ok here’s another story when I went to take your kid to work day at my aunt’s insureince work, I met the quetist boy in my life. And that’s not all his birthday is September 24 mine is September 26.
I have seemingly gone through an entire Disney channel original movie in the span of nine months.
What’s so charming to me is that I am still, mostly, the same. I journal minutiae about all of my crushes, and pepper in other tangential information. The older I get, the more other life stressors come into my journal, mostly regarding friendships, school, money, and work. In terms of svadhyaya, when I revisit old journal entries I can see patterns and trends emerge in what occupies my chitta vritti, or “mental chatter,” and give myself grace as needed. There is something incredibly calming about having all of this information available, even though some (okay, a lot!) of it is cringeworthy. But the more cringeworthy something is to read, the more I know have grown since writing it down.
And growth is good, but crushes are forever.