Every Small Step is Important
Navigating grief while celebrating creative achievements.
On Monday I made a long to-do list on the notebook that I keep next to my computer for jotting things down.
One of the tasks was “Write newsletter.”
Wednesday I wrote down that same task again, lower on the page along with two other tasks. Only one of the three tasks got done.
Today is Friday, and this newsletter is now 10 days overdue. The delay is due to my thoughts being a jumbled mess and having a hard time ironing them out. It’s brought up a lot of feelings around how much I try to project an image of resilience and professionalism which in turn made me think about what we all choose to hide or share. Right now there is simply too much going on in the world and in my head for me to tell a clear, coherent story about what’s happened in the last month. Rather than waiting for the fog to lift, I chose to write something short and imperfect.
To start off on a positive note, I’m happy to announce I did my first projection on something that wasn’t flat or a wall! It’s what I’ve been dreaming of since I started down the path of learning projection mapping and it’s all because of the battery I was able purchase thanks to the generosity of the folks who contributed to my GoFundMe last month.
On a sad note, 2 weeks ago my Airedale companion of almost 17 years, Bea, crossed the Rainbow Bridge and it’s been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to navigate. I always knew it would be and I did everything I could over the last 4 years to try to soften the inevitable feeling of loss. We went on a lot of trips together and celebrated all of the important milestones, including half birthdays. I’m endlessly grateful that I was able to shift into working freelance in order spend more time with her and add more adventure to both of our lives.
Holding all of the complex feelings alongside the loss of the structure to my days that caring for Bea gave me has completely drained my energy. So many things, such as writing this newsletter, are taking so much longer than they normally would as I alternate between calm clarity and wading through molasses.
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My therapist suggested I go “barebones” for two weeks to get my bearings around this major life change, doing little but taking walks and processing feelings. When I told them that financially that isn’t feasible as I don’t currently have any projects on deck and I need to be looking for work, they didn’t have any alternatives to offer. It left me feeling even more lost and frustrated. What are we supposed to do with our grief when we have to simultaneously be concerned about our survival?
While there’s a lot more of the story to tell, I’m going to pause it here and will revisit it in the next newsletter.
As always, thank you for being here. I greatly appreciate it.
Stay present & be well,
Giesla
