The Big Sort: 12 - Earth angel
Point Reyes, California
2016.08
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He was my closest friend for one month that felt more like a year.
That summer I got a grant to research the intersection of wellness and neoliberal ideology. I spent most of the funds on a shared Airbnb room in San Francisco — aka the mecca of commercialising wellness.
That “shared room” turned out to be an IKEA bunk bed in 3 person room, which was within a 50 person intentional community spread across 3 floors of a Victorian house. For a privacy-loving introvert like me, to say it was initially a shock to the system is a bit of an understatement. Shared meant shared closets, bathrooms, food, psychedelic experiences and for a couple people, even partners. But the bigger shock came later; my early twenties were defined by a feeling in-between and not belonging anywhere, and this was the last place I expected to fit in.
For the first few days at the house, I did my lighter work on the dining table in the living room, where I could use work as an excuse to bring out my inner nosy sociologist and observe the dynamics. Sitting there could be delightful or dreadful — I never knew if it could lead to cooking delightful fajitas for lunch with a roommate while hearing their first-hand experience of the Arab Spring or get roped into listening to another complain about their micromanaging boss for hours on end, despite unsubtly glancing at my watch and turning to the classic AirPods-in-with-no-music-playing move.
I learned who’s likely to leave their laundry in the washing machine and who silently empties the bins. I knew who had 6 eggs sunny side up for breakfast, who preferred an 8 minute boiled egg, and who scrambled.
I also started to notice how many would wander around all the rooms with furrowed brows to look for one particular roommate, J. Everyone talked about him with fondness and respect. There was the J effect — you could usually tell that someone had just had an unofficial therapy session with him by the twinkle in their eyes and the trail of smoke from the sage that they'd suddenly be burning. He could bring out his Ivy-educated lawyer mode to advocate for social justice, and also authoritatively convince hyper-rational effective altruists to go buy crystals and beads. He was charismatic, patient, compassionate. I made a mental note to avoid him at all costs.
I had no interest in making friends. I was done with vulnerability. I was healing from 2 breakups — one with my childhood best friend and another my first serious relationship and was busy building the Great Wall of China around my heart so I could never be hurt again.
Lo and behold, those walls came crumbling down and within a week he knew my entire life story, including pre-birth.
He said he was an earth angel, and thought I was one too.