The Last First Day

I remember my oldest daughter’s first day of kindergarten. The year was 2014. I remember that I made a sign for her before school and that I took her picture inside because there was a steady rain outside. I remember us walking together to her classroom after dropping her little sister off at preschool. I remember watching her walk into her classroom wearing a too-big backpack with the dress and leggings she had so excitedly picked out all by herself. I remember the little hug and the wave goodbye. I remember being sentimental but not overly emotional as I waddled home under my umbrella because I had a long list of things to do while the house was empty. I was seven months pregnant with twins and I knew the house wouldn’t be empty during school for long.

I remember the first day of kindergarten for my second daughter. The year was 2016. I remember that I made a sign for her before school and that I took her picture. I remember the dress she wore. I remember needing to leave the house extra early because now our minivan carried four kids, two of whom needed help with their shoes, with their seatbelt, and with a snack to keep them from crying the whole way. I remember unloading a double stroller and strapping two toddlers inside.I remember her older sister proudly showing her where the kindergarten classroom was (both of them were now at the same school). I remember the little hug and the little wave my kindergartener gave me as she walked into her room.

I also remember that I couldn’t follow them inside. The room was so full of parents that there wasn’t any room for me and my big double stroller full of twin toddlers straining screaming to be let out. I didn’t get to mingle with the other moms because I was the twin wrangler. Hot tears of frustration welled in my eyes because I couldn't process my second child's big day because of the big emotions of twin toddlers. All I wanted was ten minutes of that memory—just she and I with enough time to say goodbye to this childhood milestone. But it wasn’t in the cards.. This time I did cry on the way home. I'm pretty sure the two toddlers cried, too. But not for the same reason.

2020 was supposed to be the first day of Kindergarten for my twins. But, like so many other kids, it didn’t go as planned. The first day of kindergarten kept getting pushed back and back and back. Finally, in late February the email came: next week! They excitedly picked out lunch boxes and backpacks. I labeled all of their things and they picked their clothes. And on the big day they woke up thrilled to be heading off to school. We snapped a picture before we boarded the minivan. The van had changed over the years. No infant carriers this time. No stroller. I didn't have to pack a little cup of Cheerios to keep everyone quiet. Everyone was able to put on their shoes by themselves. This time we enjoyed twenty minutes of chit-chat about their teacher, the friends they hoped to meet, and how the pick up protocol would work. When I dropped them off they walked in together, without me. They turned and gave me a little wave. And that was it. Then it was just me. Alone.

As I stood there, I suddenly realized that I was the mom who has a hard time walking away. I stood outside the classroom door rooted to one spot. All I wanted was for them to run back one last time and give me a hug, to peek up at me from their coloring sheet and give another little wave. The memory of all the other first days of kindergarten came crashing over me as I realized that this was the last one.

The drive home was silent. There was no one else in the car to complain, cry, chirp, or chatter from the back seats. Seven years later it was just me on the drive home. I was in a new season of life.

This season is the one where I walk in the front door to be greeted by two almost-teenage girls peppering me with questions about how it went at dropoff, exclaiming how cute all of the first day of kindergarten pictures were, and laughing at funny stories about our drive to school. All while my husband said nothing but wrapped me in a hug because we are in this new season together.

I’m still trying to find my footing in this season. I still can’t quite believe that no one needs help getting buckled into the van, that everyone can fix their own snack, that my oldest can babysit, that my garage doesn't contain a single stroller.

I had yearned for this season of life from the trenches of early motherhood. I had looked forward to the end of the sleepless nights, the endless diapers, and the demands of toddlers. But now that it was finally here I was shocked. Here I am at middle motherhood—and, like every season so far, I'm not really sure that I know what I'm doing. I'm learning (and sometimes failing) as I go. I’m still winging it, just with older kids in tow. Still, I know that this season of “lasts” will also have beautiful new “firsts.” I know that my children are relentless in their ability to grow older and that is something I’m learning to look forward to.

A blend for big emotions

I’m positive you can do life without this roller.

Positive you could juggle work.
Positive you could juggle home.
Positive you could juggle errands with a two year old.
Positive you could juggle errands with TWO two year olds.
Positive you could juggle homeschool.
Positive you could juggle hard days.
Positive you could juggle doctor visits.
Positive you could juggle kids schedules.
Positive you could juggle stressful meetings.
Positive you could juggle mom shaming.
Positive you could juggle when people don’t like you.
Positive you could juggle people you don't like.
Positive you could juggle 2020/2021.
Positive you could juggle feeling overwhelmed.
Positive you could juggle every single demand in your life right now.

But honestly? I am just not sure why you would try to do any of those things without this recipe. For me it brings calm to my mind and peace for my heart.

Calm Roller

In a 5mL roller, combine 12 drops Lavender, 10 drops Valor, 8 drops Stress Away, 4 drops Patchouli, 4 drops Vetiver and 3 drops Northern Lights Black Spruce. Then, fill to the top with V6 carrier oil (or fractionated coconut oil).

Usage: To use, simply roll on your wrists, behind your ears, on your collarbone, or the nape of your neck before any of the above situations... or when you drop your last child off to kindergarten for the last time.

Snippets of My Week

A mini golf outing with just the smallest ones

These girls have been together since that first, first day

Family pizza night

Winter rainbow view from our front door

Playing the “original” Among Us. Clue is a hit!

Thanks for reading! Just hit reply if you’d like to connect and share your memorable “lasts” or “firsts.” I read all your messages and try to respond, but not always in a timely manner. Sorry! And if you enjoyed this email, you’d be doing me a favor by forwarding it to someone else who might like it.

From: Audra.