Four years on the flip side

This Facebook memory gets me every year.

The photo was taken four years ago. It shows the day that Eva had her final chemo appointment.

Four years on the flip side and we don't talk about cancer much.. What used to be part of our everyday life is now a distant memory.

For example, I recently asked Eva a few weeks ago to make a connection to a character in a book she's reading for school. The character is a ten year old boy living during the Middle Ages who loses the use of his legs after illness and has to show perseverance and bravery through insurmountable difficulties. Eva told me she couldn't think of a connection to this character's feelings because she's never had to show grit or bravery. Clearly, in her mind, cancer hasn't defined her.

Back to this Facebook memory.

The week before she finished treatment, Eva had asked me to tally up all of her "cancer stats." I'm going to share them below, but wanted to preface it by saying that this list isn't shared to make you feel bad or sorry for her or us. I share it for two reasons.

First, it shows through numbers what life is like for children with cancer. Before cancer hit our family, I had no idea what treatment looked like practically speaking. Cancer in children isn't as rare as we think it is, and reading through these stats can help to bring empathy and understanding to those who are in the midst of it. The numbers show the profound effect that childhood cancer has on a family.

Secondly, it is a celebration anniversary for us. Each year that passes with healthy blood is a big huge win, and one we don't take for granted. Each member of our family was affected by childhood cancer (no one more than Eva), but her accomplishment was supported by five members of her family who encouraged her, loved her, were her only company for six months, and saw each other through the hardest days. It's also a celebration day for her: showing quiet bravery in the everyday.

Facebook Memory from January 7, 2019

Clinic Day.

The last one of it’s kind.

The last chemo infusion day.

The last port access.

The last time we walk onto the oncology floor.

Today was a graduation of sorts. A different kind of celebration. A celebration of an accomplishment met. A huge win. I write this list below not to make you feel bad. Not to overwhelm you. Not to make you feel sorry for her. Or us. But because it’s an accomplishment. It really is. She asked me to tally everything up for her. So she could see everything that she did for the past 2+ years. It’s staggering. Courage in the face of terror. Quiet Bravery.

She has done the absolute hardest things. And it deserves to be celebrated.

Eva’s Stats by the Numbers Since Diagnosis:

General Stats:

Treatment Options Given: 1
Days in Treatment: 799
Days She Wanted to Quit: 799
Date Diagnosed: 11/10/16
Date of Remission: 12/12/16
Days After Remission She had To Keep Going: 766
Age at Diagnosis: 5
Age at End of Treatment: 8
Clinic Visits: 61
ER Visits: 4
General Surgery: 2
Days Hooked up to IV: 8
Times Port Was Accessed: 62
Days Spent Accessed Overnight: 16
Times Labs were Drawn via Arm: 24
Nights Spent In Hospital: 13

Chemo Stats:

Total Chemo IV Infusions: 61
Allergic Reactions to Chemo Infusions: 1
Number of Intramuscular Erwinia Shots Needed: 12
Number of Adults Needed to Hold Her Down for Each Erwinia Shot: 5
Number of Times Chemo was Injected into Spinal Column: 17
Days on Steroids: 148
Total Steroid Pills Swallowed: 834
Doses of Oral Methotrexate: 77
Total Methotrexate Pills Swallowed: 520
Total Doses of Oral 6MP (Mercaptopurine): 565
Total Mercaptopurine Pills Swallowed: 678
Times under Anesthesia: 20
Days Chemo was Held on Purpose: 32

Tests and Procedures

Bone Marrow Aspirations: 2
Port Placements: 1
Port Removal: 1
MRIs: 1
Lumbar/Spinal Procedures: 17
X-Rays: 4
Ultrasounds: 3
Bone Scans: 3
EKGs: 2
Blood Transfusions: 1
Money Earned for Not Screaming: $62

To and From:

Trips to the Hospital: 83
Total Miles Traveled to and from Hospital: 8,300(ish)
Hours Spent in the Car going to and from appointments: 173

Emotional:

Number of Panic Attacks: 7
Times Her Head Was Shaved: 2
Sessions of Therapy for Medical Trauma with Child Psychologist: 11
Birthdays Celebrated While In Treatment: 3
Siblings Affected from Cancer: 4

Encouragement:

People Who Helped or Encouraged: Uncountable. Just thank you.
Days in Treatment: 799
Days at least One Person from our Family Wanted to Quit: 799
Days someone else prayed for us: 799
Days We Knew Heaven is our Home: 799
Days We Were Radically Loved by our Savior: 799

Congratulations, Sweet Girl. That day in the hospital when you were 5 and we told you that you would be 8 when you are done? And you nodded? Not really understanding what it meant? But then realizing it quite quickly. And then looking forward to this day. The day you were done.

Your day is here. Finally. And we are cheering you on!

Thanks for holding space with us and celebrating four years on the flip side with us!

Oceans of Calm Protocol

About a week after my daughter was diagnosed, I came across a video of another oiler using a protocol for when you feel overwhelmed, your emotions are swirling, and you just can't stop the tears from falling.

She was describing exactly what I felt at that time. I happened to have every single one of the oils she mentioned in her protocol and so I tried it, with a few tweaks for me. For me this protocol is a re-set, a way to stay calm. For me this protocol is also anchored in smell (remember smells trigger memory). Every single time we had to visit the hospital on clinic day I would use this protocol, and our nurses always commented on how calm our bay was.

The memory for me is: an afternoon alone and away from the house. Not out of anger, just some time for me. To breathe. Cry. Grieve. I drove and drove and ended up at a California beach in November. I did this protocol there for the first time with waves crashing in front of me. So for me, these smells - it reminds me of calming at the beach. Focusing on the waves. Praying. Peace. This is what this combo of oils is to me.

To be honest, I couldn't tell you the science behind the oils in these blends. I couldn't even name for you all of the oils that make up these blends. I'm not an expert. I am, however, thankful I already had these oils in my home that November. And I am beyond thankful for people who share emotional protocols because years later it still isn't my forte.

I realize my home may not look like yours. Your struggles in life may not look like mine. They are not less important. Not less hard. I'm just an ordinary mom that uses oils for everyday things around her home.

Snippet from my week

I’m three books in on my reading challenge this year already! I most recently finished this one. It was a short, easy read that kept you guessing until the end. If you like murder mysteries (that aren’t graphic) this would be (what I would consider) an easy “beach read”!

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