Hello friend. Did you know my novel Chokeville is still available as an ebook and audiobook? You did? Okay, then here are some fake movies I posted on Bluesky in 2024.

NOT ALL APES WEAR CAPES (2024)

The perfect life of a professional flash mob organizer named Timothée Chalamet (Jenna Ortega) is turned upside down when she falls for an orangutan (voiced by Toni Collette) with a dark secret…and then an even darker secret (Timothée Chalamet).

YOU’VE GOT LIAM (2015)

Liam Neeson (playing himself) punches a mugger so hard that it creates a parallel universe where the Oasis brothers Noel (Liam Hemsworth) and Liam (Cate Blanchett) are feuding dictators. Originally called Schindler Supernova, it was retitled and marketed as a romantic comedy.

HEAVEN SCENT (1999)

A heart- and hearth-warming biopic about Shelley Grencher (a never-better Sandra Bullock), the woman who invented the candle that smelled like a baby’s head. This charming three-hour epic celebrates her entire life while thankfully glossing over her addiction to horse murder.

GADZOOKS! (1988)

This shocking documentary consists entirely of slow-motion footage of beanbag chairs being blown up by an M9 bazooka. Narration by an Attenborough (though not one of the “big two”), musical score by a touring member of Mr. Mister.

CROOK & NANNY (2019)

This scorching period drama stars Anya Taylor-Joy as Katya-Joie de Olivier-Christo, the widow of a male wet nurse, who turns to a life of crime (arson, mail fraud) to pay for the lavish lifestyle of her colicky infant (Adam Driver). Banned in America for no particular reason.

OILY VS THE HIPPIES (1979)

A failed attempt at launching a film series based on GloboPetro’s pro-fossil fuel mascot, a dolphin named Oily. Starring a pre-Gandhi Ben Kingsley as Oily and Farrah Fawcett as the love interest. Kingsley gained 45 pounds for the role though no one asked him to.

DEVIL’S FOLLY (1996)

A cocky flight attendant (Billy Crystal) learns a blood-soaked lesson in humility when he finds his late father’s mustache (created by Jim Henson’s Creature Shop) in a tin of Altoids. Blatant product placement only enhances this chilling meditation on generational trauma.

THE LAST GOAL (2008)

An expert sniper (Wesley Snipes) is hauled out of retirement for one last job: Assassinate an adorable panda that accidentally became a professional soccer player. The studio destroyed all copies of the film but it has recently found new acclaim on the social network TikTok.

BLOOD & BLORRD (1983)

Jamik (Judge Reinhold), an ordinary gelk-milker from Ghora, is revealed to be the Drogg Val of prophecy, destined to overthrow Parthax Hu (Bo Derek). Movie tickets came with a 60-page glossary (now a collector’s item) which was typically hurled at the screen or urinated upon.

PICNIC LIGHTNING (2025)

A biplane pilot (Florence Pugh) is haunted by the enraged ghost of her twin sister (Florence Pugh in a wig) who died in the womb. She seeks the help of a local priest (Barry Keoghan) who struggles with his own demons (alcoholism, succubus). They all form a band.

SAUCY (1988)

A repulsive cricket player (Phil Collins) bites off more than he can chew when he inherits his nana’s bordello/pizzeria. Rated PG-13 for graphic ball nudity, frottage, sitophilia, cat o’ nine tails, pervasive use of the phrase “boiled bimples and mackalaps,” suicide, Phil Collins.

LOVE UP ABOVE (2018)

In this three-hankie Hallmark Channel Original Movie, a disgraced nun (Lacey Chabert) returns to her small hometown for Thanksgiving, only to discover the childhood friend she kept locked in her attic (Scott Wolf) has developed chiseled abs that restore her faith in God.

FORGET U NOT (2021)

An evil pharmacologist (Cher) invents a drug that gives you amnesia, planning to take over America by secretly adding it to ranch dressing. When an intrepid barista (Jason Momoa) exposes this plot on his podcast, everyone eagerly takes the drug anyway and the movie ends somehow.

I CAN FIX HIM (2018)

When Dave-o (Austin Butler) builds a robot (one of the Culkins) to play badminton with, he never expects to fall in love—or win “Best Kiss” at the Olympics. Title was changed from Shuttlecocks when a film with the exact same name and plot and cast was released at the same time.

DANCE AMONG THE ANGELS (1907)

A simple-minded farmhand accidentally drops an egg on the ground, smashing it. Later, he drops another egg. Audiences at the time had never seen two eggs smashed in one movie before, and many had to be hospitalized for hysterical vapors and stress-related dysentery.