I Refuse To Live My Life in Tomorrow
yelling my reminders to you and me again
This is the third week that Original BB (my 5.5 yo) and BB Jr, (my 1.75 yr old) have been in school / day care. I am walking around with this similar feeling to one I had when BB Jr was first born. Like each day so. much. happens. I feel I’ve lived a year in a few weeks. Honestly it’s already a book-length situation. But I am sharing something today that’s one small thread which might be relevant or useful to you.
One of the big new things for us in this transition is getting out of the house by 7:15am Monday through Friday. Everyone is so tired from their new experiences in new places, with so many new people. It’s full on. Getting all the daily maintenance tasks done feels very compressed. Perhaps (probably?) this is something you are experiencing a lot already. It's a new level of intensity to the feeling of how logistics-heavy parenting can feel.
Last night as I was preparing the pasta as fast as I could because everyone is starving by the time we get home from day care pick up, I realized I was already cataloguing everything that needed to be done before and after bedtime to prepare for waking up and getting ready to leave the house. I was rushing to get food ready for dinner and rushing in my mind to complete tasks tomorrow morning at the same time.
Absurdly, all of this is infinitely easier for me than for most families because our commute to both places is very short, and I don’t work full time!
So, first of all - solidarity to you who are doing this, any version of this american life wtf.
Second, I refuse.
I refuse to live my life in tomorrow. And even when I refuse this, I live my life in tomorrow most days. But I am shouting that I refuse it, to you here, so that I can remember. The difference between having a stressful morning or not is mostly the difference between my inner sensation - what I am practicing. My kids of course have different moods than me and bring different energy to the mix. But what I am in charge of, in control of, is my own inner practice. And when I remember that I want to have a life that includes joy and I want to live a life where I am here for today, (today being all I ever have), then my body leans back a little from the forward motion. I shift from an energy of pushing into the next minute, to an energy of being, while doing the things. It’s pretty subtle, but it is the difference between the life I want and the life I don’t.
This experience with this new chapter for our family is inviting me back to this practice, which might be my only practice, if I had to choose one? If I have from 6am to 7:30am with Original BB in the morning, then I will be as here as I can be in that experience, and cherish it. No matter if it’s tedious, or annoying, or wonderful, or tiring, etc.
My nana reminds me of this, her recent death helps me remember, in this way she gives me yet another gift after so many through her very long life. She is reminding me, more quietly now, that my primary responsibility is to take a breath and not miss the smallest particle of joy that is passing through my field. Because not missing this joy empowers me to extend my heart to all the beings / circumstances / life that is appearing in front of me. (Clear eyes full hearts can’t lose.)
Many blessings in your gargantuan and humble task of finding joy amidst the logistical deluge of your life.
with love,
Sarah
PS icymi, I am doing an in person event for parents in San Francisco, on Sunday September 22, you’re invited!