vayeishev: alive
sholem aleichem,
Yosef dreams, and dreams again:
וַיַּחֲלֹ֥ם עוֹד֙ חֲל֣וֹם אַחֵ֔ר וַיְסַפֵּ֥ר אֹת֖וֹ לְאֶחָ֑יו וַיֹּ֗אמֶר הִנֵּ֨ה חָלַ֤מְתִּֽי חֲלוֹם֙ ע֔וֹד וְהִנֵּ֧ה הַשֶּׁ֣מֶשׁ וְהַיָּרֵ֗חַ וְאַחַ֤ד עָשָׂר֙ כּֽוֹכָבִ֔ים מִֽשְׁתַּחֲוִ֖ים לִֽי
he dreamed still another dream, and recounted it to his brothers. he said: here! i have dreamed a dream still, and here: the sun and moon and eleven stars bowed themselves to me
The narrator tells us that Yosef has “dreamed still another dream”: וַיַּחֲלֹ֥ם עוֹד֙ חֲל֣וֹם אַחֵ֔ר.
Yosef phrases it slightly differently, saying “I have dreamed a dream still”: חָלַ֤מְתִּֽי חֲלוֹם֙ ע֔וֹד.
Why the difference? The narrator speaks to the reader, but Yosef is speaking to his brothers. Yosef does not need them to know that he has had another dream. He needs them to know that he is still dreaming: that their dismissal and hatred of him has not led him to change who he is.
He will keep dreaming, no matter what they do to him.
And through all his suffering, Yosef does not doubt who he is, or blame himself for his circumstances.
Here is what he says later, in prison in Egypt:
כִּֽי־גֻנֹּ֣ב גֻּנַּ֔בְתִּי מֵאֶ֖רֶץ הָעִבְרִ֑ים וְגַם־פֹּה֙ לֹא־עָשִׂ֣יתִֽי מְא֔וּמָה כִּֽי־שָׂמ֥וּ אֹתִ֖י בַּבּֽוֹר
I was stolen away from the land of the Ivrim, and also here I have not done anything, that they should put me in the pit.
In Yosef’s position, I think I would have had a hard time saying “I have not done anything”.
Even if I didn’t think I fully “deserved” what happened, I would have analyzed the past, searching for how I could have avoided this situation: oy I shouldn’t have brought the evil report about my brothers, maybe I could have kept my dreams secret, maybe I could have hidden my father’s favoritism, maybe I could have better avoided Potifar’s wife.
But if Yosef had chosen to ask these questions, what would he have done when his fellow prisoners approached him in despair? He might have said “look at all the suffering dreams have brought me, why should I bring more suffering on myself?” and stayed silent.
But he doesn’t. He sees their despair and answers:
הֲל֤וֹא לֵֽאלֹהִים֙ פִּתְרֹנִ֔ים סַפְּרוּ־נָ֖א לִֽי
aren’t interpretations of god? please, tell me.
Yosef is not frozen in place, asking questions of his past. He’s there, in the prison, trying to do the right thing in the moment. As Kaira Jewel Lingo writes in We Were Made For These Times (p10, bold mine):
It is especially tempting in times of transition and challenge to abandon our homes, to leave our territory, in search of answers… This is precisely the moment when we need to return to [our home in] the present moment, feel our bodies, and take good care of ourselves now. Because the future is made of this moment. If we take good care of this moment, even if it is very difficult, we are taking good care of ourselves.
Koheles, too, warns against searching the past for answers:
אַל־תֹּאמַר֙ מֶ֣ה הָיָ֔ה שֶׁ֤הַיָּמִים֙ הָרִ֣אשֹׁנִ֔ים הָי֥וּ טוֹבִ֖ים מֵאֵ֑לֶּה כִּ֛י לֹ֥א מֵחׇכְמָ֖ה שָׁאַ֥לְתָּ עַל־זֶֽה
Do not say: “how is it that earlier days were more pleasant than these”? Because you have not asked about this from wisdom.
The Me’or Einayim explains:
כי לא מחכמה שאלת על זאת כי החכמה תחיה והחיות רצוא ושוב ואם כן מוכרח להיות כך
“You have not asked about this from wisdom” - because wisdom gives life, and aliveness runs and returns, in which case this is how it must be
Asking why some days are more pleasant than others presumes that there is an answer. But life runs and returns. There are better days and worse days, because there must be better and worse days.
We are of course obligated to reflect on our actions with the goal of doing teshuvah, of engaging wisely in the present moment.
But during the Days of Teshuvah we also sing that “we have no deeds”, an echo of Yosef’s “I have not done anything”. Because our deeds have not brought us here. Our past does not justify either the good or ill of our present. We are, simply, here.
And if our guiding question when we arrive here is “what should I have done to avoid this” instead of “what should I do now” — then we’re not asking a wise question. We’re not doing teshuvah, we’re simply running away.
But home is always here, no matter how painful here is:
אפילו כשהוא מצומצם אצליכם כשנפלתם ממדריגתכם אף על פי כן אתם דבקים בהשם יתברך באמצעות כי הלא חיים כולכם היום ומי הוא החיות שלכם הלא הוא יתברך שמו ויתעלה זכרו
Even when [the Blessed Name] is contracted from you, when you have fallen so far, even then you are so close to the Blessed Name, because are you not alive today? and who is your aliveness? is it not the One, may her name be blessed and remembrance raised? (Me’or Einayim)
Are we not alive today?
good shabbos,
ada
p.s. I learned the Me’or Einayim quoted above from Rabbi Yaakov Klein.