pekudei: we are human
sholem aleichem,
our parsha, and the entirety of sefer shemos, ends with the following psukim:
וּבְהֵעָל֤וֹת הֶֽעָנָן֙ מֵעַ֣ל הַמִּשְׁכָּ֔ן יִסְע֖וּ בְּנֵ֣י יִשְׂרָאֵ֑ל בְּכֹ֖ל מַסְעֵיהֶֽם
when the cloud rose from the mishkan, the children of yisrael would set out on their journeys
וְאִם־לֹ֥א יֵעָלֶ֖ה הֶעָנָ֑ן וְלֹ֣א יִסְע֔וּ עַד־י֖וֹם הֵעָלֹתֽוֹ
if the cloud did not rise, they would not set out until the day of its rising
this world comes to us in rhythms. the seven-beat meter of six work-days followed by one shabbos. the lunar/solar pacing of the year, bringing with it, at regular intervals, the times of our feasts and fasts, our sorrows and joys.
there may be a hidden divine rhythm in the timing of the cloud rising from the mishkan, but the b'nei yisrael are not told what it is. they must simply watch the cloud and wait: is this a day to move or be still?
i feel these verses deep in my bones.
in the body that sometimes tells me YES let's move let's write that dvar let's hike that mountain. and in the body that sometimes tells me no: all the plans you had for today? let them go. we're staying put.
and in the brain which, for days weeks and months, will do what i tell it to and work when i need it to. and then three thoughts appear, then four, then many more. and i become, as john green describes it, a passenger in my own consciousness.
i can't control or predict these rhythms, i can only pay attention, and learn how to move in their meters.
talking about his experience with chronic illness, ren gill says (transcription mine):
it wasn't david versus goliath...it was never really a battle for me to win, it was an eternal dance. and like a dance, the more rigid i became, the harder it got. the more i cursed my clumsy footsteps the more i struggled. so i got older, and i learned to relax. and i learned to soften. and that dance got easier.
it is a dance. but it is a dance whose rhythm we do not always know, whose steps we cannot always anticipate -- unless we relax and soften and learn to follow.
and the idol of control is so tempting, the call to exert our independence so powerful
ian / yokhai boniface-green writes (emphasis mine)
The cult of ableism worships the neurotypical, able-bodied ideal: the normative body-mind living independently is its central myth... Like all forms of idolatry, ableism turns its adherents away from reality.
this idolatry plays out on a societal level, too
from
the government declaring the end of the pandemic by fiat
to
zionism declaring that jews now control our own fate and security independent of the nations
we seem bent on denying our lack of control and our dependence on each other, to the point that we cannot even recognize this world we inhabit as it is. to the point where we cannot hear the voice of god over the idea of our own power and independence as we hurry to worship it.
ren continues:
it is this eternal dance that separates human beings from angels, from demons, from gods. and i must not forget, we must not forget, that we are human beings.
we are not malakhim or sheydim, to know what will be in the future. and we are not hashem, konei hakol, who conducts the stars in their waltz across shamayim.
we are humans.
we move when the cloud rises.
chodesh tov,
ada