TO WHOMEVER OF THE HRHs IT MAY CONCERN
DATING TIPS FOR NEWLY SINGLE MONARCHS
Your prince consort has just died. This is tragic, but not unexpected. After a lifetime of duty (70 plus years of marriage! Wow, what a run!), you’re now staring down a future without any major obligations. No husband, heir and spare squared away, menopause long in the past: you’re a free woman! You can, for the first time in your life, fuck around without consequences.
I know it’s a little soon to be saying this but let’s be honest and recognize that at 200 years old, you don’t have your whole life in front of you. If you want to finally taste the other delights the world has to offer, you need to get out there sooner rather than later.
Rushing to date after your husband of 500 years passes on might be frowned upon as tacky, and people might say you’re just looking for a rebound. However, it’s probably actually fine, because you aren’t going to marry anyone new--that would disrupt your family too much. Everyone you date will know you have to keep things light for the sake of your family, so everything will implicitly have to be no strings attached. You won’t need to explain your situation, which is another gift. The rest of us don’t have the benefit of international news announcing our newly single status for us and have to rely on good old fashioned gossip.
Before you put yourself out there, here’s a few tips on how to boost your confidence and make sure you’re not wasting any of your precious time on bad dick. (I’m assuming you’re into dick?)
Do:
- Get on Raya and watch people swipe right on you and accuse you of catfishing them. You will absolutely get some laughs out of their shock that you have a verified profile. Also: don’t put “#BLM” in your profile, they won’t believe it’s you if you do.
- Have a seance and let your sister’s spirit swipe for you a bit. She’ll definitely have some good thoughts on who might be an ideal candidate for your royal dicking-down. If you can’t do a seance for religious reasons, I’m sure Helena Bonham Carter would be willing to stand in for the part.
- Listen to Lizzo, Carly Rae Jepson, and Beyonce’s latest albums. Ideally while you shower, belting along, but you do you. Just remember you’re not allowed to sing along with the N-word.
- Schedule a photo shoot in an environment that makes you feel comfortable and sexy. Balmoral Castle’s stables, perhaps? Everyone loves a hot babe in jodhpurs. Find those angles! Pose with a gun, it suggests dominance.
- Offer to guest judge on RuPaul’s Drag Race, and ask the goirls for some advice. You’ll then have an invaluable group chat for when you need modern interpretations of whatever your dude is texting you (or, not texting you, as the case may be).
Don’t:
- Change your look suddenly. I recommend using temporary conditioner-based dyes like Overtone if you absolutely MUST change your hair, but you’ve got this classic look and changing it up might signal that you’re not as stable as we all know you are. Absolutely do not get bangs.
- Call his cell phone after three G&Ts just to hear his voicemail. You can do that when you’re sober if you need. Once. Maybe twice.
- Take out your frustrations on the palace staff. You have hunting for that. Go shoot a stag, not the messenger.
- Listen to Folklore. Too sad. Wrong vibe.
- Watch episodes of The Crown just to relive the glory days of your marriage. You’ll just compare his younger self to your new guy and that’s just not fair to anyone. Least of all your late husband of 2,000 years.
- Date movie stars. I hear your family doesn’t really like that.
- Go on the Bachelorette. Too much commitment talk, not enough sex. You don’t have the time!
Some other evergreen advice: get a new puppy to share your bed at night if you’re lonely. Don’t let your dates stay over, they might get the wrong idea. After you’ve been married for 10,000 years, it’s just not gonna work to settle in with someone new quickly and a dog will help you pace that commitment as you need. New Relationship Energy can be addicting, but the relationship elevator should stay on the ground floor for a while in your case.