it's important to think this way
...is something you will never hear me say.
We (I) go to lengths to make our(my)sel(f)ves feel ok, we (I) chase the feeling that we (I) feel might be the thing that will give us (me) relief, inspiration and possibly even save us (me) from something else - a darkness, a depression, the 'truth' about an unbearable reality.
This has felt true for me.
Going to lengths to feel ok has been a big journey for me. Getting to the idea that I am essentially 'OK' has been liberating. As in OK like a tree or a rock. OK, like the continual ups and downs of life. Yet the chase goes on. Maybe I can feel more OK, here, just a little bit more OK there.
And then there's what I may be judging OK against. "Ladies and gentlemen.....will you please welcome.......'NOT OK'!" As it turns out I'm comparing my OK-ness with this state - the exact thing I don't want. So I am building the foundation of what I DO want using what I don't want.
And where does that leave me? Mostly in a place where I find myself comparing, a bit volatile and a bit afraid. Why share all this news, I hear you ask?
Because it's all made up, I suppose. In fact I just made all that up right now. Is it true? True to the point it's written here and can be read and understood. It even started feeling believable to me for a second. Does it mean anything? Not a thing. Until I decide it does mean something.
This is what we humans are like. Our minds create coherent and plausible stories about reality to help us place ourselves and feel like we have the explanation that fits the rest of our story, maybe. I wrote a book once and I write stuff all the time. For me, it's only ever relevant in the moment it's written, then its use is extinguished. For someone else, however, it might mean something else at some other time. It could be what someone wants or exactly what they don't want - meaning can change from one person to the next, from one day to the next, even.
Meaning is like a weapon, like a mood armed with a weapon. You might never know what shape it's going to take, where it might pop up and who might suffer because of it.
Today, I felt like I wanted to share something meaningful with people, something reassuring, but as it turns out, sometimes I don't have that much control over what I do. It's almost like my emotions are running the show. Meaning can destroy peoples' lives. Don't blame religion/politics/greed/etc - hold the mind's ability to make meaning, responsible. And then bring awareness to where you are using meaning in your life.
Remember though: Supposedly Oscar Wilde said this: “We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.” - I like the way he gave his position, just in case anyone might have any doubts! As it turns out, it doesn't actually mean anything if we are looking at the gutter or the stars, although we might prefer to consider ourselves to be looking at the stars!
It's all about the meaning we give things - it's so very bloody delicate and I'm looking to expel all unnecessary meaning from my life, be more like smoke, or clouds.
I have a body, it is solid, I am not a body, I am not solid or fixed, or broken. You are indefinable, uncontrollable, unfathomable; ultimate wisdom - not a story or defined by anything or anyone - whatever that means.
Love