famous retreat scuppered by tiny little thing - postponed for now!
It's funny how things turn out. What we've got this weekend is the perfect weather; sunny, warm and pleasant - and then I went and got covid.
It has been a rough few days and I've found it physically and mentally challenging but I'm relieved to be resting this weekend. So I've been watching telly and today I'm well enough to be studying RRT so that's what I'm doing - and a bit of writing while it occurs to me.
I have to comment on the challenge of illness, though, while it's still fresh, while I'm still in earshot of the 'why me? Why now?' and stuff like that. Of course there is no answer to that and it all comes back to meaning. Being in that space of feverish, sleepless nights with aching body, cramping muscles and unsettled mind, not knowing what was dream or waking and both states feeling as stressful as one another, felt like a different reality. In many ways, my mind was taken over.
This is fascinating to me, because as that became my reality, it at times felt like my own beliefs were turning against me, like the weakness I felt meant I was falling apart, in some way. I feel a little vulnerable sharing this because I wonder how I could have reacted to the illness differently. But then I see that of course I couldn't, because I could never have acted differently to how I did in that situation. What's interesting to me is that as soon as I did the covid test (yesterday early afternoon) and it showed up positive, I immediately felt relief. I then had validation that postponing the retreat was indeed the right thing and settling into the illness was indeed ok for me to do.
This really showed me something about how full my life is right now, with work, with family, with study and RRT and extra and running retreats and nature events - all of which I love doing. I saw that I was resisting letting any of it go, I still felt that I had to do it all, even when I was aching in bed I thought "I have to do at least some work this week", when I wasn't thinking about that I was attempting to foresee the retreat, taking care of my little boy and trying to act that I was feeling better, thinking that would make me feel better.
So what I'm saying here is that I'm very grateful for the covid test, which has allowed me to rest and I wonder how I can bring other 'markers' into my life to show me that I can let go a little. When you've got little kids you can't really stop. But I can stop if it means maybe my lovely wife Beth not getting covid and then us both being taken out. I guess what I'm saying is that sometimes, unless it's absolutely necessary, I will not stop, cannot stop. And I have to find a way through that.
Clarity
It's no surprise that, when in the throes of covid I was feeling self-doubtful and anxious - because I've programmed myself into a way of being that is about not stopping, so when my mind couldn't get me going, like it was trying to, I hopped on the downward spiral and chased it right into the depths. Wow!
What fascinated me is how I've created habits, habits which support me to get things done and be effective, which can, at the same time not allow for what happens when I can't do something, which can then lead to self-judgement and the rest. This is nothing to be ashamed of - it is simply a reaction to some programming and is no more personal than the takeaway menu that's pushed through my letterbox. That's my takeaway from this situation, anyway.
It's just programming. If I tell myself I have to do something, that's an order. If I go against orders, my system starts to melt down. This experience has been an invitation for me to allow for space - even if it doesn't happen. I am now experiencing space and actually enjoying being ill. So instead of a retreat with others I got a retreat of my own and some big learning. And the funny thing is - I teach this stuff. I actually teach people to find space and value it but it took this to snap me out of where I've been for the past 2 years. This is what being human is.
And so, if you were interested in my retreat and couldn't do the dates, there's another opportunity to book, or even to suggest dates - in the next couple of months. The other attendees have kindly agreed to go along with the postponement, so it will be happening.
We can talk about this kind of stuff more around the campfire, where there's space.
Are you up for building space into your programming? I'd love to hear from you, especially how you do it, if you do already and even more especially if you have young kids.
Pass this on to someone who you think would like it. There's a sign up link below
Thanks