am I fit enough?
Here's an insight I had about 'fitness' - at least my experience of it.
At the moment I'm having a bit more exercise and finding that I have a little space to start getting regular bike rides and walks - even the odd run. I feel lucky to have both a craving for exercise and to feel physically ok enough to act on those cravings. That's the first part.
Then, there's looking at what actually happens when I have some exercise - the good feelings, the feeling of the body getting strong - but then!
It happens.
I don't know when I'm actually fit. Or maybe I don't know what 'fit' is. Or maybe, there's something inherent in the word 'fit' which brings me to a point of confusion. I was chatting with some friends about running and one friend said he didn't see the point in running - where was I running to and I joked that I'm always running toward fitness, which always seems just out of my reach!
That got me thinking about 'fit'. It's such a weird word. So ambiguous. Fit in. Fit for something. Am I fit? Am I enough? Do I fit in? Am I enough? Do these shoes fit me? I actually have trouble knowing if my clothes fit me or not. This makes me laugh and is probably a bit of an add thing. What is an ideal fit? A fit fit. Clothes fitting me has become weirder as I get older. Anyone else feeling that? I'm going to fit a new bell on my bike - that one's ok for me.
It's just the misery of fit that's the thing. The idea of it is great, it's even sometimes fun trying to get there, what with the different chemicals released into the bloodstream and all that. But I'm going to stop using the word 'fit' in at least 2 contexts. Getting fit is like strapping myself to a torture machine and pressing 'go' all the time and if I want to fit in in the world, from now on I might as well just stay on that torture machine and install another 'go' button.
So anyway, that's the main thrust of my fitness exposé, mainly me realising that, whilst I love the idea of being fit, being fit actually means I'll be something I don't want to be. I'm not sure I'm ready to be fit for anything, let alone fit in. And by that of course I mean I am fit already, I am already and always fit, I just won't use that word to describe it, ever again. A word which to me suggests I'm not good enough - it's just there, just out of my reach, this immeasurable quantity. I'm running towards it, always feeling not quite there.
I've just killed 'fit' for myself forever - I hope that wasn't to trying for you.
Next week: diet. Lol