a man's whorl - words about men
I work in construction. I'm grateful for my job and I respect the people I work with - they work hard in an area that is pretty hardcore and unforgiving, one has to keep moving, changing and rolling with good and bad. In some ways I've been surprised by the non-buildery (judgement) kindness I've experienced and at the same time I despair for the lack of compassion and insight (showing my own lack of compassion) of my fellow workers.
It's not easy for me, though, ha ha. Construction is that last place I thought I'd find myself. I have worked in 'hippie' co-ops for decades and am used to knowing everything and saying what I want, discuss ideas and make a contribution through strategy and planning. Here there's hierarchy and I'm slowly learning that my contributions are not always welcome and that I am a bit of a nuisance sometimes. I have to rein it in. When I feel that hard edge I do my best to stick to what I'm doing and not ask too many questions.
My perspective is often a bit 'out there' so it's no surprise I get what I get. In a man's world there are roles and they are generally stuck to; 'the men' do the planning and the physical work and 'the women' do the office admin. Men are expected to look at things a certain way and so are women.
At the moment two of the books I'm trying to read are Doireann Ni Ghriofa's 'A Ghost in The Throat' and Caitlin Moran's 'What About Men?' I like them both for so many reasons but without realising it (until now) I've found myself in this space of exploring Irish feminism and British 'counter feminism' (poor title but pleasingly short), both written by women, whilst working in this man's world of construction. I've not found much appeal in modern counter-feminism's Jordan Peterson and there are few male 'voices' who I would consider speak to what my version of manliness is.
I don't feel that we have to redefine who we are, as men but what's interesting me is that when I am in doubt about something I will turn to my best friend, who happens to be a woman, because I trust that her way of reasoning things is both compassionate and grounding. I'm not going to waste my time being outraged at feminism nor will I spend time trying to establish a new male makeover. What I do want to do is to be in the space where men are sharing and are able to share, to not feel like it's 'boring' or a 'soft' or a 'waste of time' to be open and get to know each other like women often only get to know them.
Ok, so I'm talking about what I know here; straight, white Anglo/Irish type males. The type of man there are a lot of and who are often feeling unexpressed and, I often feel, want to connect more deeply but just don't know how to do it, without thinking that it's in some way wrong or a waste of time.
Someone once asked me jokingly "Are you a SNAG?!" "A what?!" I replied. "You know, a Sensitive New Age Guy?" That made me laugh and it also made me think. Not the first or last time a woman (or a man) has described me in those terms. I get 'under the thumb' from men sometimes. It's a lot of judgement and bullshit.
I have, many times not said anything, feeling that it's not worth it, but that has often just confirmed their suspicion. Interesting that people need to 'call out' rather than just try to get to know me! Anyway!
Masculinity is a melting pot. We men are definitely male animals, have different hormonal urges and physical traits but are minds are pretty flexible. In fact, our minds are so powerful that we can move beyond any other person's judgement and into the idea that perhaps, to save judgement, both men and women could move outside of their own conditioning and see each other as people, first and foremost - people with very similar minds which have just been filled with very different ideas.
What I want for men is to feel ok about being themselves, to see that men take many different forms in society and that ALL ore ok - from the builder to the SNAG! The thing that I feel will help the most is when we are able to talk, be heard and learn to deepen our experience of connection without the labels of judgement from other men. Evolution has blasted us far beyond the basic need to protect, provide and procreate, to beat the next man in some way or make ourselves feel more important by belittling others. Where I'd like to see men evolve is into compassion (not pity, but into an empowered sense of caring) - for themselves and others, to be ok with the man they are through being allowed to explore and express themselves, rather than having to hide who they are because it doesn't fit in with what feels socially acceptable. This is for me too. Be yourself, be myself and experience that. Support each other through what's uncomfortable and grow through it. Let's grow as men into being ok with who we are, so we know that sometimes we hide, sometimes we shine, we are all different and beautiful. You don't need to be more tough, louder, more accomplished, a leader, more masculine (which is meaningless anyway) or anyone besides who you already are.
So if you're interested in what's written here then please get in touch. Why not talk more, feel more supported and acknowledged by other men?
I may have mentioned before ((;-)) I'm running a mens' weekend retreat 3rd weekend in September! https://endless-river.org/nature-retreat-2023/ I've got 5 men and there's still space.