What is "Emergent Love"?
Meet Sara Nasserzadeh, author of “Love by Design.”
I read so many books in the process of writing Come Together. One of the very best was Sara Nasserzadeh’s “Love by Design.”
Sara was kind enough to write this piece to help introduce you all to the model of Emergent Love, which is a cornerstone of her book.
“Love by Design” is available next week everywhere you buy books! You can learn more about Sara on her website.
*****
The butterflies are gone, are WE over?
Josh and Elna (not their real names) walked into my office for their first session, all smiles and laughter, holding hands as they told me about their courtship.
It began with happy memories of travel and adventures, until the tension started building and we got to what brought them to my couch.
They really loved each other, but they were worried they were no longer in love.
Elna had tears in her eyes. She was not feeling the butterflies anymore. She thought she had found the one, and now she was not so sure. As she shared her doubts, she curled into herself on the couch. Curled away from Josh. Josh shared that he feels a constant sense of rejection from Elna. He was also unsure if they were the right match anymore.
They’d started off so giddy in their own love bubble that they didn’t think about other aspects that made them who they are. They thought their political viewpoints, their religious beliefs and their financial attitudes didn’t really matter. They assumed that their love would conquer all.
I asked them what being in love means to them and they said “not being able to live without each other”. I pointed out that this means being infatuated with one another and has little to do with the love that is required for a long term, fulfilling relationship. This was a great surprise to them as it is for many couples I work with.
They said after a while they started getting annoyed at each other. “You put the wet tissue in the sink.” “Did you shower before bed?” “Did you pay the bills?” “You are criticizing my every move”.
Josh’s touches became too heavy and needy for Elna whilst her need for space became too frequent.
I asked Elna what she liked to do alone that brought her joy, and instead she looked at Josh for the answer. They had lost sight of themselves as unique individuals.
I explained that many couples feel this state of what I call submerged into the coupledom state especially at the beginning of their relationship. They were still there after four years.
But a fire needs air to thrive!
There exists a pervasive notion in our society that if two people love each other enough, they form one entity that can conquer all regardless of context, day to day interactions or fundamental differences. An entity that is static and would not change over time.
From my research of over ten years I’ve found that there are six key ingredients we can all use to cultivate to create a fulfilling love that ‘Emerges’ between a couple. So love is not something that happens and “the rest” will follow. “The rest” needs to be there for love to even have a chance to exist!
These include, shared vision, mutual respect, compassion, attraction (beyond sexual attraction), trust and being loving.
With Elna and Josh, I helped them define all of these ingredients in their own language, then checked with them on how they look like in real life. For example, I asked them what respectful gestures they expect from the other person and if they think they are worthy of it. This highlighted the gaps in their experiences and expressions of each of these ingredients within their coupledom.
Overtime they become more aligned and understood how to show up for each other. They came to understand that as a child Elna was praised for being tidy and for her achievements, whereas Josh’s mum showed love through touch. They came to understand the ingredients and practice them every day. They came to appreciate being two separate entities - like a log and a spark – and created space in the relationship for the fire to have the chance to breathe, and to truly flourish.
These days Josh and Elna visit me twice a year to take stock of their love. The butterflies are far gone, yet they feel more fulfilled than ever.
They are aware of their six essential ingredients and make sure to give them the time, attention, and energy needed every day to keep the fire going.
In our last visit Elna said the love that brought them together was a strike of a spark while what they have now is a warm and nurturing fire. A dynamic and ever-growing love that has emerged over time.
-Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh
sara-nasserzadeh.com • Sara’s amazing instagram
Questions or comments? Please email my very tiny team at unrulywellness@gmail.com
Feel free to say hello on 📷 Instagram, 🦤 Twitter and 🤖 Facebook – I don't always reply but I read everything.
Signed copies of Come As You Are can be obtained from my amazing local bookseller, Book Moon Books.
Stay safe and see you next time.
