Sexual incompatibility in long term couples
Robyn's back to tackle a big question
Robyn is back to discuss another question that came up on Emily’s Come Together book tour:
“Can you talk about sexual incompatibility in a long term couple?”
This is a really complex question, one that would typically benefit from some real time follow up to clarify the details. However, I chose to address it because I think it’s important to explore the phrasing here in light of everything that’s covered in “Come Together.” The phrase “sexual incompatibility” is a challenging way to describe something because it’s both a shorthand for other issues and woefully unspecific in what it’s trying to describe. What about their sex lives is incompatible? Is it their desire for sex? The frequency? Is it the type of sex they want to have? Is it a “spark” issue?
So what do we mean when we feel the urge to talk about “incompatibility” instead of something more specific?
Often when we have the urge to describe something as “incompatible” we’re trying to identify a mismatch in something. I’ll use an example from another reader about a schedule specific “incompatibility.” The couple has very different sleep schedules, which makes finding time for intimacy challenging. This can be seen as a surface level incompatibility (just have the one partner go to bed earlier!) but if it were that easy it would be addressed already. There are layers to this “incompatibility” that likely have more to do with their schedules during the day, their evening responsibilities, their obligations that take precedence over sex, and general need to rest. This all can make coming together to have sex hard in a way that “just go to bed earlier” doesn’t address. Luckily, “Come Together” and “Come As You Are” do the work to break down how to work through these barriers and start working towards bridging the gap between what your life looks like and what you want it to look like.
What can be tough when we’re thinking about something that is incompatible in our lives is that by labeling it as such, we’re (consciously or unconsciously) choosing to overlook the layers underneath the issue. Sometimes it’s as easy as someone else pointing it out, but often there are needs or a request underneath the description of “sexually incompatible.” So it can be important to reflect on what isn’t being communicated and why. There are a lot of feelings that can clog up lines of communication and they often fall under the “fear,” “shame,” or “embarrassment” umbrellas. Reflecting on why these emotions are coming up for you around this topic can be incredibly hard and emotionally draining, but it’s a crucial first step to understanding why something isn’t being communicated.
There are a lot of feelings that can clog up lines of communication and they often fall under the “fear,” “shame,” or “embarrassment” umbrellas.
This can also be lifelong work, but if you’re in a relationship with someone you feel safe with and trust, it can be very rewarding to open up those lines of communication. You also don’t have to do it alone. Seeing a sex or relationship therapist to help facilitate opening up lines of communication can help take some of the pressure off some of the logistical and emotional labor of navigating hard conversations. In a previous newsletter, I broke down some things to consider when starting a hard conversation about sex that can also be useful for navigating this kind of terrain if therapy isn’t accessible.
Sometimes feeling incompatible isn’t necessarily avoiding a hard conversation, but a symptom of something else. Are there other areas of your life where you’re also feeling incompatible? How is your non-sex related time being spent? How are you connecting intellectually or emotionally?
This is the work Emily lays out in the Emotional Floorplan chapters of “Come Together.” I’m operating from an assumption that the question asker wants to find a way towards having sex with their partner, but you know what they say about assuming. If you are looking for a way to–ahem–come together intimately, mapping out and navigating your own Emotional Floorplan can be one way to do it. This can be done separately or together, but either way you can start with the Sexy Contexts and Turning Off the Offs worksheets from CAYA. That way you can have a more full picture of what you and your partner need in order to feel ready to have sex, call it your LUST space. Once you have a full picture of what your LUST space looks like, map how you would get there using those worksheets. Do you need things clean and your to-do list complete? Great! That’s your Utility Room. Can you go from doing laundry to feeling sexy? No? Then the Utility Room likely isn’t right next door to your LUST space. For Emily, the room next door was PLAY and so her and The Euphemism worked out how to get to that space. For me, it’s feeling cared for, which can include watching my partner finish my to-do list while I play a game on my phone and listen to romance novels. For you, it might be something else, but the work is trying to map that out individually and together to see how you might find your way towards each other’s LUST spaces.
The last thing I want to mention is whether other areas of your relationship feel incompatible because of social expectations when they’re actually fine?
There are a lot of hidden scripts about what a romantic relationship should look like that we all have internalized. These are part of our individual and collective gardens and can be something we prune to various degrees of success. We are inundated with narratives about idealized romantic relationships, often of the cis-hetero variety, but they all seem to follow similar steps. Author Amy Gahran called it the “relationship escalator” and I think it’s an apt metaphor because you can either run up it on your own or let it lead you, but either way, you’re watching one step follow another. If your relationship is at all “unconventional” it can be perceived by yourself or others, as signs of a fundamental “incompatibility.”
I’ll give you an example. My partner and I do not have a lot of activities we like to do together. We have overlapping interests, but they just don’t translate to Things We Do Together. We once spent two consecutive sessions with our therapist trying to come up with things to do together and came up with like five things. The thing is, when we talked about it afterwards, we were really okay with the fact that we don’t connect with each other that way. I have things I like to do like rock climbing and circus arts and he likes to go to bars with his coworkers and play video games. Those are not the foundation of our relationship. Our shared morals and conversations and emotional support for each other are much more important than the things we do to fill our time. But if you wrote out on paper what makes us compatible, our interests and the time we spend outside of work wouldn’t really align in an obvious way.
I say all that to point out that sometimes we can feel like we’re in a rut or no longer compatible with someone when in actuality we’re focusing on the wrong thing. Instead of focusing on the ways you’re not fitting anymore on the surface, focus on what is at the foundation of your relationship and try connecting there. If sex and physical connection was that foundation and you’re having trouble finding your way there, this is where the emotional floorplan can be extremely useful.
I won’t lie and say sometimes true incompatibilities never arise as people and priorities change. Sometimes that can lead to restructuring or ending a relationship for everyone’s wellbeing. That’s a very real and possible outcome, but it’s not the only outcome where “incompatibility” is concerned.
So when the word “incompatibility” comes up in the context of sex and relationships, try to think about what is going on underneath that word. Is it communication? Is it an internal or external expectation that isn’t being met? It’s a loaded but ultimately not very descriptive word, so taking time to unpack it can be useful in really getting to the heart of the issue.
-Robyn
Questions or comments? Please email my very tiny team at unrulywellness@gmail.com
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Stay safe and see you next time.
