Q&A: Working With Sexual Trauma
This question is from a guy, but it applies to everyone.
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Q: I’m a guy. I’m listening to the “Come As You Are” book. Wow. I guess I am normal, kinda. My girlfriend and I struggle sometimes with sex. She has fewer brakes than I do, plus I’m still working though my sexual trauma. She does have a lot of grace. Yet still, I feel I am not being the full partner I could be to her. What can I do? I know I am not finished with your book and true work takes time. Thank you for even reading my letter. It’s very raw for me to be open and vulnerable about this subject.
A: I’m so glad you wrote, and honestly you are so 100% right already, there’s hardly any question to answer. Yes, you are normal. Yes, the work takes time; the damage wasn’t done overnight, and it can’t be healed overnight.
What can you do? You’re doing it. Heal the trauma (that’s in chapter 4, plus I mention there several other books that are all about healing sexual trauma.) Explore what hits your brakes and accelerators. Think through which contexts make it easier for your brain to access erotic pleasure. Finish the book. Also, whenever trauma is involved I suggest that a person consider seeing a therapist, since this work can be difficult and dark, and it can be easier to do with a calm, confident professional at your side. There are specialists in sexuality that you can find at aasect.org.
There’s one thing you say that I want to challenge you on:
I think you are being the full partner you can be right now. That might not be the partner you wish you were or think you “should” be. After all, we’ve all absorbed messages about who we’re supposed to be, and that “ideal” self is never, ever a match for who we truly are. Part of your healing will involve abandoning the idea that you ever could have been that “ideal” and instead embracing the idea that you never had to be.
That fictional guy the world said you’re supposed to be? Forget that guy. He doesn’t exist and he never will. Who you really are is the only you you’re supposed to be.
It’s not a contradiction that, at the same time you’re already enough, you’re interested in growing beyond old patterns and healing from old wounds. The longing to heal is part of who you truly are. Be kind and gentle and patient with yourself, rather than critical and judging. This stuff is difficult and sometimes it’s slow. You’re doing it right, and it will happen at the pace that feels safe for your body and brain.
Who you are right now is enough; your authentic self is what matters. Rather than beating yourself up for not being “enough,” try encouraging yourself for all the positive growth and intention you have for yourself. I don’t know at what age your trauma happened, but I wonder if you can try turning toward that younger self, at whatever age that was, and telling him, “Hey, really bad shit happened, and it’s normal and healthy to hurt after that. And it’s also normal and healthy to heal. I know how now, and I’m going to help you. You’re not alone. You don’t have to hide the pain. I’ve got people in my life who aren’t afraid of this pain.”
This newsletter is called the “Confidence & Joy Bulletin,” right? Remember, confidence is knowing what is true about your body and sexuality and the world, even if it’s not what you were taught is “supposed” to be true, and even if it’s not what you wish were true. And joy is loving what is true, even if it’s not what you were taught is supposed to be true, and even if it’s not what you wish were true. You have some things in your sexuality that you wish weren’t true. If you and your girlfriend can turn toward those un-wished for aspects of your history and body and mind with kindness, compassion, and curiosity, rather than judgment or shame or regret, you’ll create a space where healing can happen. Grief will be able to flow out of you, which will leave more space in your heart for love, tenderness, openheartedness, warmth, joy, and connection.
Let me repeat: It takes time. And healing isn’t linear. You’ll be doing great for weeks at a time and then, bam, seemingly out of the blue, it all comes back in a wave. But like any wave, it will recede again. And you already know you can survive any wave, because here you already are, surviving!
Questions or comments? Please email my very tiny team at unrulywellness@gmail.com
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Signed copies of Come As You Are can be obtained from my amazing local bookseller, Book Moon Books.
Stay safe and see you next time.
