Q&A: "Premature" Orgasm in Women
Is that even a thing?
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Here's another great question from a reader:
Q: What about women who orgasm ”prematurely,” shortly, not intense? I never have I read about women orgasming quite soon AND short. I cant seem to be able to control it, sometimes, there's just too much pressure - suddenly - and i cant stop it to start so i cant get to the edging part either. And vaginal/clitoral orgasms also differ extremely in intensity??
A: Yup, that’s a thing!
It’s funny, the language we use, right? We rarely think of a woman’s orgasm as “premature,” because that indicates it’s “too soon.” Too soon for what? Because we have this script in our heads about what order certain behaviors are supposed to happen in, and since in this heteronormative script a man’s orgasm and ejaculation are the last thing to happen, the script tells us when “too soon” is for men. But a woman’s orgasm is utterly unnecessary in the script, except as a measure of her partner’s “prowess” or whatever—and then I guess it’s “too soon” if it happens before he MAKES IT happen. Ugh.
Anyway, for all those reasons I prefer the term “out of control” orgasm, where it happens without you feeling like you could stop it if you wanted to. The orgasm slips out of your metaphorical hands, like soap in the bath.
These out of control orgasms tend to be small because they arise from fairly low levels of stimulation, which means there’s not much tension built up.
If I had to guess, I’d say you have a fairly sensitive accelerator and/or you’re in a context that allows your accelerator to be full on, while the brakes are full off.
A recent post on fast orgasms.
As I’ve described in another post, something delightful about women’s orgasm is that if you have one quick, small orgasm, it doesn’t preclude having another orgasm. It’s ejaculation that shuts off arousal, not orgasm itself (ejaculation and orgasm are separable functions), so if you just orgasm, you can probably go again. I call that first orgasm a “starter orgasm.” Other people have called it a “throw away orgasm,” like the first pancake, which is never as good as the rest. The thing to remember is that orgasms are only as good or as important as you decide they are.
So my first advice is: don’t worry too much about it. Don’t beat yourself up, don’t worry that you’re “broken” (you’re not), don’t fret if that orgasm feels “out of control.” It’s fine. Orgasms come and go.
My next advice is, when you’re going for orgasm, begin with non-genital touching, which will allow pleasure and arousal to grow more slowly, without the direct and intense stimulation that genital sensations bring you. Even if you’re THINKING a lot about your genitals, redirect your attention to the pleasure you feel in your arms and hands, your legs and feet, your throat and scalp, your lips and mouth, chest, buttocks. Let pleasure emerge and build from all those peripheral areas. You might even find you can get all the way to orgasm from the accumulation of all that pleasure in the rest of your body (or not! doesn't matter!).
And finally, if you have a small, short orgasm that just slips through you, enjoy it for the pleasure it can give you, and keep right on going. No worries.
It also makes sense that orgasms from vaginal stimulation and orgasms from clitoral stimulation feel very different. After all, you’re stimulating very different body parts, with very different concentrations of nerve endings. The clitoris is DENSELY packed with nerve endings, while the vagina has a couple areas of moderately enervated places—the entrance, the cervix, maybe the g-spot (people vary), so the “intensity” of an orgasmic experience will vary from orgasm to orgasm, depending on all kinds of contextual factors, not just which body parts you stimulate.
A few other factors include:
The longer you allow pleasure to grow, the more intense the orgasm is likely to feel.
The quality of your relationship with your partner, if a partner is involved, will likely influence the intensity of the orgasm.
Perhaps above all, how you feel about your arousal, pleasure, and orgasm will influence the intensity you experience. More acceptance, pleasure, joy, and appreciation = more intensity; more judgment, shame, or self-criticism = less intensity.
Hope that helps!
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