Q&A: Extremely Fast Orgasms
Why do some people have orgasms so quickly while others don't?
Confidence and Joy is a newsletter by Emily and Amelia Nagoski. Subscribe here. You can also follow Emily on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook!
⁓⁘⁕⁘⁓
Q: I can orgasm really fast. Like sometimes one stroke over my clitoris is enough to get me shaking and orgasming. I read in your book that some women can orgasm within five minutes, but is it also common that women orgasm that fast like me? And when I get an orgasm, it’s never just one. It’s usually like a lot. Do you happen to know if other women experience this as well? I always feel kinda weird to talk about it with my girlfriends because women usually have difficulty with orgasms, so I don’t want to offend or hurt anyone by telling them how easy it is for me
A: I love this question because it’s the opposite of what people usually expect people to ask about.
I don’t talk about statistics, like what percentage of women have orgasms in how many minutes, because it’s impossible to read statistics like that and not compare yourself to them and feel a judgment. No matter how normal we all are, we always end up judging ourselves as better or worse than average. You know this is true, because you feel uncomfortable talking about your experience with your friends, who wouldn’t be able to help judging you or themselves for having a different experience of orgasm.
One day we may live in a world where we can talk about all our varied experiences, compare and contrast, but not judge anyone as better or worse or right or wrong, we’ll all just be different from each other and isn’t that fascinating! But until then, I won’t say what proportion of women have experiences like yours. I’ll just say that it is entirely within the range of “normal” sexual experiences, and actually among the women I’ve met who orgasm as readily as you do, they also tend to experience multiple orgasms in a row.
Why would orgasm be like this for you? Chances are, if you orgasm with very little stimulation, you have a very sensitive accelerator.
(Check out this post about the Dual Control Model for more on that.)
Let me add that the only “measure” of whether an orgasm is right or wrong, good or bad, is whether or not you like it. Do you enjoy your experience of orgasm? Great! Does it bother you? Okay, maybe there’s something you can do about it.
For example, one of the realities of quick orgasms is that they might be fairly small, with the sensation focused in the genitals and not very much in other places in your body. In that case, you can practice allowing arousal to build gradually. If genital touch = immediate orgasm, don’t include genital simulation in your masturbation. Touch the more peripheral parts of your body, from your hands and feet and scalp to your knees and elbows and throat, to your hips and shoulders and waist. Practice all different kinds of sensation, including light touch, deep pressure touch, temperature, vibration, wetness or dryness, stretching of muscles and connective tissue, and even pin-prick or pinch sensations. Include your whole body.
Also include your whole mind. You might benefit from adding or reducing fantasy with stimulation. What are you thinking about while you experience physical sensations? Sex-related thoughts will involve either a fantasy about some other erotic experience or else focused attention on the sensations happening in the here and now. To expand your experience of orgasm, focused attention on sensation is your way forward. Especially when the sexual tension in your body gets to a high level, your attention might be drawn to your genitals, and it may drag your hands along with it. No worries, just notice that you’re thinking about your genitals and then allow your thoughts to release from there and shift to the body parts you’re currently touching.
In general, if you orgasm very readily and typically have multiple orgasms, it’s okay to consider the first orgasm a “starter orgasm” or, as someone once to me they called it, a “throwaway orgasm.” Think of it like the first pancake you cook for brunch. That first pancake is never the best pancake, it’s there to season the pan. In this analogy, your body is the pan. Is that a weird analogy? My point is, orgasms, like erections, are only as important as you decide they are. No one is required to have them, and the only “measure” of them is whether you wanted and liked them.
Hope that helps!
Questions or comments? Please email my very tiny team at unrulywellness@gmail.com
Feel free to say hello on 📷 Instagram, 🦤 Twitter and 🤖 Facebook – I don't always reply but I read everything.
Signed copies of Come As You Are can be obtained from my amazing local bookseller, Book Moon Books.
Stay safe and see you next time.
