Processing Feelings
Don't let your sleepy hedgehogs get in the way
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Q: My partner doesn't want to process. He did earlier in our less than 5 years relationship. There are several reasons and some might be my fault. Best case, he listens to me, says "Mhn", and changes the topic. Worst case he gets defensive and annoyed that I always want to discuss everything, while I feel we never discuss anything. Reciprocal sharing is SO important to me and I'm afraid we're never getting back there. Do I need to break up?
A: (NB: I have removed identifying details for privacy, but it’s important to note that some of those identified the question asker as a woman.)
Of course I can’t say yes or no to the basic question of whether the relationship should end. But hopefully I can offer a little insight and some resources that will make it easier to understand:
Resources first:
My favorite books (that is, the most research based—though they’re not always the most inclusive in terms of people in a variety of relationship structures or different personal backgrounds) include Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, the keystone book of John Gottman’s research, and Hold Me Tight, the equivalent book of Sue Johnson’s research. And though it’s written about open relationships, I think PolySecure by Jessica Fern is a book that can benefit people in many kinds of relationship structures.
If readers have resources that have been particularly helpful for them, I hope they’ll share them in the comments.
Insights—there are two:
First, part of this might be a gender thing. Very often, men are taught that talking about feelings is “unmanly” or, worse, “girly.” And the “talking about feelings is unmanly” training can sometimes bring with a sense that a woman wanting to “process” is just a euphemism for wanting to criticize or complain.
At a large-scale cultural level, this sharing of feelings and processing and reprocessing the past is something women do more than men, but what matters in terms of this question is that this processing is really important to you.
It’s reasonable to hope that your romantic partner would be interested in participating in this way of connecting, just as it’s reasonable for your romantic partner to hope you’ll be interested in participating in his favorite ways of connecting. Let’s pretend for a minute that sex does for him what talking about feelings does for you, and let’s imagine that when he initiates sex, you say, “Mhn,” and change the topic, or sometimes even get defensive and annoyed that he’s always wanting to have sex.
Some people might advise you to get your needs met elsewhere, since, after all, no single person can meet all of another person’s social needs. That’s definitely a solution to explore, if you’re interested. But your question sounds like this is a dealbreaker for you. You need the emotional processing together in order to feel like the relationship is substantial enough to continue existing.
Which brings me to the second hopefully helpful insight:
There is a difference between dealing with a problem in a relationship and dealing with the feelings caused by the problem. Dealing with the problem is generally the more straightforward part. You make a plan, you follow it.
But you also have to deal with all the feelings. For some people, dealing with feelings can sometimes feel like, “Didn’t we fix this problem? Why are we still talking about it?” which leads to feeling constantly criticized and like there are all kinds of problems in the relationship that never get solved, and if it feels like a problem never gets solved, it becomes all to feel like the actual problem isn’t the problem itself but one or the other partner, or even the relationship itself.
So I always suggest staying really clear in your communication, saying things like, “I appreciate that we have figured out a solution for X Problem,” and then describe all the things you feel are going well. Ask your partner what they feel is going well in terms of your shared approach to the solution.
And when you want to talk about lingering difficult feelings, try thinking of the feelings as Sleepy Hedgehogs. The post I liked to there is all about my silly metaphor for turning toward difficult feelings with kindness and compassion, and asking your partner to help you set that uncomfortable little visitor free.
Last suggestion:
Ask your partner what he thinks or feels like you want, when you want to process feelings. It may turn out he feels criticized. It may turn out he thinks you’re just trying to make conversation when you could be talking about literally anything else. It may turn out he feels, deep down, uncomfortable with the part of himself that wants to process feelings too, because he’s been taught to be contemptuous of that longing for emotional connection. It may be that he truly does not understand how or why it’s so important to you; he doesn’t feel more connected by talking about his feelings, he feels more connected by picking up the groceries on his way home from work and making sure you always have a supply of tampons under the bathroom sink. You can’t know unless you have the conversation.
Of course, he might resist talking about what he feels or think you want, because that’s processing feelings! If he doesn’t want to engage, reframe it as solving a problem, not processing feelings. You’re trying to figure out how you can get your own needs met in a way that doesn’t make him feel defensive or annoyed. If you love each other, you both want to help each other get your needs met, and you’re willing to be both honest and creative in making that happen.
Hope that helps!
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