Premium Q&A: My Clitoris Isn't Joining the Party
Clitorises: They vary a lot
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Great question this week! Let's dig in.
Q: I’m 46, have always had a very small clitoris and I’m recognizing that often I’m dripping wet, but my clitoris is not joining the party. In fact, often when I’m ready and start having second, the clit will start to feel good then out of nowhere it’s like sharp stabbing pain only in the clit. Usually she is over at this point. But with patient partners we can build back up to pleasure. My question: Is this nonconcordance between my vagina and clit? This happens when I’m really emotionally into sex and want it.
Thank you!
A: Such an important and self-aware question!
A couple of fact checks before we get to the answer:
There’s no relationship between clitoris size and sensitivity or responsiveness. It seems like there should be, right? But no. Clitorises of different sizes and shapes can have any degree of sensitivity or preferences in how they’re touched.
Post-orgasm (and indeed pre-orgasm) over-sensitivity is a common experience for clitorises. Some people experience it all time, some experience it sometimes, and others never experience it and don’t know what you’re talking about, but that’s just because clitorises vary a lot (see above).
Pleasure and pain are suuuuuuper complex, involving dozens of brain areas working in collaboration. That’s why a sensation may be pleasurable in one context and uncomfortable in another context—like tickling.
In the sense that the sensations you perceive in your vagina and clitoris are not the same, it is nonconcordance, but it doesn’t sound like nonconcordance of arousal, just nonconcordance of perception, if that makes sense.
It probably doesn’t make sense; let me be more specific.
Arousal nonconcordance is the thing scientists study, where bloodflow to a body part may not match a person’s experience of arousal. When there’s a mismatch between bloodflow and subjective arousal, it’s usually not because the person is unaware of their genital response, but because their brain is not interpreting any of the sensations they’re experiencing as “good.” Bloodflow generally isn’t about whether the stimulus that creates it is “good” or “bad,” it’s just like, “Well, that’s a sex-related stimulus, so here’s some bloodflow.” That’s arousal nonconcordance.
What you’re describing isn’t, I think, a difference between bloodflow and perceived sensation, but a difference between perceived sensation in one body part compared to another body part.
Whether your brain interprets a sensation—any sensation—as painful, pleasurable, or neutral depends on the context in which the sensation happens. In general, when you’re in a negative state—stressed, depressed, anxious, lonely, or with repressed rage (we’ve all got it), your brain is more likely to interpret a sensation as unpleasant, irritating or even painful. When you’re in a positive state—playful, loving, curious—your brain is more likely to interpret a sensation as pleasurable. That’s why spanking can feel good in some contexts and painful in others. It’s why even clitoral stimulation may feel good in some contexts and painful in others.
In this case, the context change is as simple as how much a body part has already experienced stimulation. Any body part can be overstimulated and your brain will be like, “QUIT IT!” I mean, just briskly rub your arm for several minutes and the sensation will change from warmth and pressure to irritation, ya know? Same goes for clits. Rub them for a while and they’ll get overstimulated, and then your brain will send signals that say, “QUIT IT! Nope! Too much! Back off for a while!”
And just as your arm will gradually return to its usual state and not be overstimulated anymore, so your clit will gradually return to its usual state. Given time and, as you say, a patient partner, you can grant your clitoris the alone time it needs and then go back to it when it’s no longer over-stimulated.
So I think after orgasm your clit is over-stimulated but your vagina is not. It’s not remotely a permanent state, it just requires a little time to pass. We can’t know what’s happening with bloodflow to your vagina or your clitoris, so maybe (?) there’s a difference (mmmmmaybe?) but the science already tells us that just differences in stimulation can change sensitivity.
For other folks reading this, let me add that this is particularly common when using a vibrator, especially a vibrator directly on the clitoris. The vibration is such intense stimulation that may well leave the clit either uncomfortable or possibly numb, the way any body part may become numb from being overstimulated. It’s in no way damaging and generally lasts only a short time—like hours or even minutes, not days.
I hope that helps! If nothing else, you can take away this: it’s 100% normal and doesn’t indicate any kind of problem or issue! It’s a fascinating little quirk of how our brains and bodies are wired together, and you can explore it with curiosity and a sense of play.
Bodies! Yay!
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