How does Come As You Are fit into a mental health library?
A letter from a small town fire chief
Every day is Canada Day here at Confidence and Joy HQ. (in our hearts, if not our geography.) A few folks have asked if it’s possible to pre-order Come Together in Canada, and let me assure you that this link is proof positive it is.
This week’s awesome indie bookstores are: Owl’s Nest Books in Calgary, AB, Canada, Inkwood Books in Haddonfield, NJ, and Round Table Bookstore in Topeka, KS! Are they your local shop? They can be using the power of the information superhighway.
And on to this week’s question, which is a little different than usual, but also from Canada:
Hello, I am a chief in a small town fire department, to promote mental health we are building a mental health library. I would love to add Come As You Are to our shelf but have concerns about that being considered “sexually inappropriate”. I know, and you know, that’s ridiculous. Can you help me to articulate a defense or rebuttal to criticism of that choice? Thanks!
David, Canada
I think I can help!
What I’ve written below is more formal than what I’d say if I were just emailing you, but I’m offering this, as you say, as a “rebuttal.”
How does Come As You Are fit into a mental health library? The most obvious link between sexual health and mental health is loneliness, linked not just to depression and anxiety but to a wide rage of physical health issues such as hypertension and stroke; the U.S. Surgeon General’s Advisory on the Healing Effects of Social Connection and Community suggested that loneliness can be as big a health risk as smoking half a pack of cigarettes a day or more. For many people, perhaps especially those in long-term relationships, sexual connection can be an important aspect of social connection. Indeed, differences in sexual desire, including couples with low or no sexual frequency where one partner has low or no sexual desire, are the most common reason couples seek sex therapy. Many of the difficulties these couples experience are caused not by biological issues but by basic misunderstandings of how sexual desire, arousal, and pleasure actually work. These misunderstandings derive from (a) a lack of overall sex education and (b) myths and misrepresentations of sexuality in mainstream media and porn, both of which are more readily available than evidence-based sexual health information.
Of course Come As You Are is not just about sexual relationships. It’s about a person’s relationship with their own body, a topic closely linked to disordered eating, perhaps the most dangerous mental health condition, associated with greater mortality even than depression. It’s about healing from sexual trauma, which impacts around one in four people. It’s about overall emotional wellbeing, turning toward our own internal experience with kindness and compassion, even when there are parts of ourselves we have been taught to fear or hate. Reducing self-criticism and shame are goals I share with other mental health writers and experts like Brené Brown and Kristin Neff—authors you should also include on the mental health library shelves!
When I hear a phrase like “sexually inappropriate,” I hear “sexually explicit.” Parents have often emailed me that they’ve shared Come As You Are with their teenage kids; I even spoke with a young man who read it and then shared it with his mother, so they could discuss it! These are not comments I’d be hearing if people experienced it as explicit or inappropriate, even for teenagers, never mind for adults.
But I expect that most people who might worry that putting a science-based book about sexual health on a shelf could be “sexually inappropriate” probably have an overall fear that any words about sex are sexual. Erotic. And there might be nothing I can say to persuade them that it’s possible to talk about sex in ways that aren’t sexually explicit. For those people, the solution is simple: no need to read the book! But that’s not a reason to prevent other adults from accessing information that could help them make better, more self-compassionate choices for their own wellbeing.
I can add that in the eight years since its original publication, Come As You Are hasn’t drawn that kind of attention. It’s so nerdy yet so kind, sciencey while being as inclusive as it can be, people who read it don’t worry about it being “explicit” or “inappropriate.” So maybe the best response to anyone who is worried is to tell them to read it themselves.
I hope some of that is helpful!
Emily
📕💻📗 And please check out these awesome indie bookstores: Owl’s Nest Books in Calgary, AB, Canada, Inkwood Books in Haddonfield, NJ, and Round Table Bookstore in Topeka, KS!
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