i came across a tiktok the other day that spoke about boredom. how allowing ourselves to be bored can help recalibrate our brains and tune our attention. It’s an antidote of sorts for us dopamine-dependent people. but does boredom mean sitting in a chair dissociating or does it mean sitting in a chair and letting the mind wander? what does being bored mean to you?

i see so many videos on youtube with titles and thumbnails: “do this instead of doomscrolling.” I scroll past them. i know the things I can do instead of doom scrolling. i feel manipulated for attention. and then I feel bad for feeling that way- a lot of us are just trying to play the algorithm game. be mad at the system that makes it that way.

it feels icky when I think of ways for my work to garner more attention. but without attention…? it’s a vicious loop. which reminds me, I need to finish loop by koji suzuki. there has got to be a connection I can make there once i’ve read it.

i don’t want to go viral or get a huge amount of attention over night anyways. i’m still too sensitive to mockery and cruel criticism (like most humans). i want to build a community. i want to keep showing up authentically.

why is this email coming from buttondown, you may ask? i’m experimenting. see this post I published yesterday but didn’t send.

i want to keep this short. easy to read. i have a folder in my mailbox called TBR that is at 104 emails right now. i keep telling myself i’ll get to them eventually. and i’m sure I will.

lots of love from my floaty self,
ella nym