me the past few days

I am a recovering perfectionist, and so I’ve done a lot of inner work to stop myself from “stopping myself” because something is not good enough. Does that make sense?

Imposter’s syndrome is something I live with every day, as attached to me as my shadow. It is my inner critic’s best friend, and they love ganging up on me when I start feeling like I’m progressing in this healing journey. See, you’ll notice I said “recovering” and not “recovered” because sometimes I’ll find I’ve been holding back (without realizing it) due to that insidious spark of perfectionism.

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When I sent out my first newsletter in January, I had promised myself that I would send them out weekly to the world. Yet it’s been three months, and I just sent out my second one last week. It’s easy for me to give in to shame. But I want to unlearn the chokehold I always have myself in. I want to extend grace instead of throwing disappointment in the shape of tomatoes.

Mary Oliver, "I Worried"

I am doing the best I can, and the best I can does not have to be perfect. So I sat down to write today.

I don’t have any idea what I want to tell you, but I know that all that matters is that we show up for ourselves. This won’t be put together perfectly; there won't necessarily be an overarching theme with a perfect beginning and closed-up end, but I wanted to share with you what’s on my mind because that’s what I’ve promised to do.

Instead of an extended essay, I thought I’d share some snippets of things I wrote into my notes app last week. I wouldn’t necessarily call these poems; they’re more like musings, but I hope they may resonate. They are ideas floating in my mind that haven’t materialized into anything concrete yet. But they’re in the world now, and that’s a step forward.

#1 - I struggle, in truth, with the desire to write eloquently versus my wish to be straightforward or practical with my prose. It’s the eternal battle of those two wolves we like to talk about within us: for me, it’s wanting to be mysterious while also wanting to be seen.

#2 - I’m both someone who loves to talk and struggles to find the words to say. What do you do when you have a lot of opinions but lack an audience? Do you stop talking just cause no one’s there to hear it? The proverbial question about the falling tree, I guess.

#3 - I wish to be known on a deep level. A get under my skin, read through the lines, breathe from my lungs kind of level. I’m unsure if this comes from a fear of lacking identity, of believing I’ll never be able to decipher who I am… A wish for someone to reveal to me what I think is lost and unattainable by my own means.

5 media/art-related things from the past week I’d like to share:

1. I posted my first-ever studio vlog on YouTube! I enjoyed how much more creative it felt to edit, and even though it won't be something I do every week, I’m excited to delve into vlog-style videos in the future. Here’s a link if you want to check it out:

2. Been primarily watching One Piece these past few weeks. I’m about thirty episodes into the Sky Island arc, and I’m so intrigued by everything that’s going on. I don’t want to spoil anyone but if you’ve watched the show and would like to discuss it, please let me know!!

3. Continue to be obsessed with all the Megan thee Stallion images from her trip to Japan. Two of my fave outfits:

   

   

4. I follow this person who takes pictures of mushrooms on Instagram, and I feel so inspired whenever I see one. Look at those colors!!

   

5. Still haven’t fully processed Araki Toriyama’s death. Dragon Ball was a huge part of my childhood, and it’s a big connection I still have with my dad, so a lot of feelings have come up lately that I’m not ready to work through just yet. However, I found these images someone posted when I was scrolling through Twitter/ X which I love:

   

   

   

   

Thanks for making it to this part of the letter. I think, ultimately, I wanted to share a bit about my struggles with perfectionism, with wanting to push through anyway, and how I don’t always make it to the other side as easily as I had hoped. We always hear everyone say, “It’s not linear” or “It's a process,” and it is, but it’s not always that easy to accept. I hope you show yourself a little kindness this week and forever.

For us in the northern hemisphere, happy spring! Here’s to a new season.

Early Spring II, Gustav Macoun