my lime green crocs, on my porch, on a winter day

Who am I?

It’s a question I’ve asked myself, consciously or subconsciously, for decades. For those of you who follow the enneagram, I identify as a type four- which is to say, the question of who I am has plagued me, more than most, since I was able to form thoughts.

Why do I bring this up in my first letter to you, dear reader? Because as a newly established content creator (more on this word later), this question has come up repeatedly in a different context over the past few months.

For example, the voice of my derogatory inner critic asking: Who am I? What do I have to say that is so special, different, and deserving of a platform? What about me warrants being witnessed by someone other than my sister or best friend? Who am I? Where did I get the audacity? And what am I bringing of value to you that makes following or subscribing something you’re drawn to do?

Perhaps it's you now, finding this letter and wondering who I am. I could say something cliche (albeit true) about the fact that I am an amalgamation of many things, unable to be defined. But that doesn’t give you anything, does it? And, in truth, it doesn’t serve me much either. It still leaves me floating in the abyss of self.

“Still Untitled, 2013” Art by Essam Marouf

Have you ever noticed that every new social media account you open or community you join asks for an introduction or provides you with an about section? It’s the internet’s version of the school’s “We have a new kid in class. Chris, please introduce yourself.” And, of course, it comes with good intentions; we all just want to learn more about each other.

But “Tell me about you” is so open-ended. How do I fit myself into a minute intro or a 200-character box? (Honestly, I’m not even sure I’ll be able to tell you who I am by the end of this letter). Perhaps if you asked me, more specifically, what you want to know?

Ask me what I like to do for fun, but add “right now” to the end of the question because what I did yesterday might not be it today (and that’s just the nature of hyper-fixations). Or ask me where I live and where I come from because, right now, those are not the same. Ask me what I believe in or don’t and what I’m devoted to. It’s another way of saying: tell me what is important to you. Talking about your values is hard sometimes, but it’s also one of the best ways to crack a soul open and expose it. Ultimately, it's not so much about being defined as it is about being aligned with what your soul wants and needs in this life.

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So, who am I? As I send this letter to you, I go by Ella, and I am a writer. I admitted that to myself recently after allowing imposter syndrome to dissuade me from identifying with a part of me that has always been and will likely always be. I am an artist and make YouTube videos, which has been my dream for quite some time.

If you’re arriving here from YouTube, hello! You already know a bit about me. But if you don’t, hello to you too. My videos relate to journaling, planning, crafting, and books. I’m trying to live a more authentic life after having denied myself that joy for many years. Essentially, my YouTube channel and these letters are containers for that wish. A wish to live a more creative life. I wish that life for you, too.

I want to return to the words content creator. And before I get any further, I’d like to preface this by saying I don’t think there is anything inherently bad in the title or that anyone is above or below it. That being said, I will no longer refer to myself that way. I took a writing class hosted by called Writing the Personal, and at one point, Mar said that they didn’t refer to themself as a content creator. They are an artist. And I thought: you’re right, I am too.

I am an artist. I am a writer. I create videos. And every time I share something with you, a piece of me goes with it to wherever you are- witnessing it.

Acknowledging the power behind what we call ourselves or don’t is important. There’s power in a name. Be intentional about it, savor it, and ensure it feels right. Perhaps you think it is of little value, and that’s valid. But I’m trying to show you who I am by expressing that, to me, it matters. To me, the value of what you call yourself is tremendous.

And at the same time, I also think there’s value in leaving yourself nameless, in letting your identity shift with the seasons. Whether you believe in the power of a name or not, let yourself be “undefined, permeable, mixed, peculiar, unapologetically authentic. Be in peace with being unprecedented, with not fitting anywhere, with being adrift. Before flight, there's a free fall.”1

I want to show you and myself who I am through these letters. Dear Reader, I wish to know who you are too. I hope we will get to know each other better.

1. That’s a picture of my backyard on a surprisingly sunny day. I loved the colors of the sky.

2. If you enjoy journaling and planning, I posted my lineup of journals, planners, and notebooks for 2024 on Youtube this week. The video is linked below if you’d like to check it out.

3. I am participating in a month-long challenge in January called “Junk Journal January,” and I’m trying to post about it daily. It’s been a while since I spent time art journaling, and it’s felt so nice. Here’s a reel of the process for day two, which features one of my favorite poems by Mary Oliver.

   softnspunky

   

   A post shared by @softnspunky

4. “I am my own litmus test for evolving in real-time.”2 One of the books I’m currently reading is “Who is Wellness For?” by . It’s a book about the colonization, commodification, and appropriation of wellness culture and who it leaves out/ excludes in our modern society. I’ve only made it to chapter 3 and already find it extremely valuable. Even when I’m not reading, I’m thinking about it often. The quote I’ve included here replays in my head constantly throughout the day.
   

5. My sister has been trying to get me to watch Adventure Time for a few months, and I finally started in December. Eleven-minute episodes make it a perfect lunch show or when I need a little pick me up after a lot of stress. I just started season 2, and I’m loving it so much. Do you have a current comfort show? Let me know in the comments or by replying to this email!
   

6. It seems I’ve been more into podcasts this season of my life, but I’ve been listening to this song whenever I remember I like listening to music:

7. I went to a thrift store and found a book by Maangchi, which I’ve subscribed to on YouTube for years. I’m taking it as a sign to make some kimchi finally. Stay tuned for that, I guess.

That’s all for this week, dear reader. I hope you remember you are never alone.

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1

Quote by tumblr user driedrosy

2

Quote by Fariha Róisín, “Who is wellness for?”