The Most Wonderful Time of the Year
Alternate title for this issue of the newsletter: "The Most Melancholy, COVID-filled Time of the Year." So, feel free to skip if you're not up for that. <3
E and I got a tree on Saturday. We had tried to get one the previous weekend, but we needed a tall, skinny tree for the space we'd cleared in our living room, and all the options we saw that day were too wide. The tree we ended up getting is still a bit wide for the space, but we've made it work.
After dinner on Saturday night, we listened to a holiday playlist (courtesy of my brother and RJ's year-round holiday music podcast, HARK!) and decorated the tree. Most of our time was spent stringing lights and then we quickly worked through our small box of ornaments. We admired our handiwork for a moment and sat down, not sure what to do next.
We both felt a bit melancholy.
This Christmas it will just be the two of us (and our cat, Nyshka, of course). Last year our friends Eben and Laura came over to celebrate with us, but this year they'll be in the United States visiting their families of origin.
Over the last few weeks, I've said to E several times that I'm glad we're not trying to fly to the US right now. I don't envy my friends who are visiting family. (Well, except the ones within driving distance of their families. If I could drive to my mom's house, you'd better believe I'd be spending Christmas with her.) I envy pre-pandemic Emma and I hope that someday in the future traveling and gathering with family to celebrate the holidays won't be synonymous with increased COVID transmission.
I'm pinning a lot of my hope on 2022. Not because I think the pandemic will be over next year, but because our personal circumstances will be so different. My mom is planning to come to Germany when the baby is born, and because the due date is in late June, I feel confident that COVID cases will be low (or at least lower). My mom is very excited for the birth of her first grandchild and plans to stay for at least a couple of months, maybe longer if she can get a visa.
She plans to be here with us for Christmas next year, unless we decide to fly to the US with a six-month-old so that the little lizard can meet E's parents. And this is where my hopes for 2022 get a bit dimmer. There are obviously a million variables involved in my Christmas 2022 daydreams. Even if there weren't a pandemic, would we want to do a transatlantic flight with a six-month-old? I think it would depend on the baby's personality and also on how comfortable we feel parenting outside of the routine of our home.
It would probably be easiest if our families came to us, but E's parents don't have passports, and... more importantly, they're unvaccinated.
Now, there may come a day, when COVID is endemic, when transmission is much lower and healthcare systems aren't strained to the breaking point and people aren't dying at the rates they are now, when I will feel safe and comfortable spending time in-person with people who have chosen to remain unvaccinated. But it is not this day.
On Sunday, we had a video call with E's folks. We told them that I'm pregnant and also that we won't see them in person until they get vaccinated. Unsurprisingly, they did not reply, "oh, then we'll get vaccinated right away!" E's mom said she wants us to respect their choice not to get vaccinated and guilt tripped us for moving to Germany in the first place. E's dad said it's a good thing we can visit each other via video call. These were not the most disappointing or hurtful things they said during our conversation.
So, I have no idea when the little lizard will get to meet their paternal grandmother and their only grandfather. I have no idea when E and I will get to see his parents again in person. I know I am getting ahead of myself by wondering about these things. I have most of a pregnancy still to go and a lot can change in a year. But, when the holidays get me feeling more melancholy than merry, these are some of the worries and disappointments that come up. And writing them down helps me to process and let them go.