Meds
Lately I’ve been listening to the podcast Queersplaining. On a recent episode, the host, Callie Wright, talked about how they had started taking Wellbutrin to help them focus better and manage their anxiety. They talked about how so far it’s working really well for them! In addition to focusing them, it’s improved their mood and their ability to regulate their emotions again after stressful things happen, which is fantastic!
I felt a little bit jealous listening to this episode - a sort of wistful jealousy - because I used to take that same medication, and I’m not sure if it ever helped me feel that good.
Earlier this year (February, I think, I have it written down somewhere), I stopped taking any meds for depression and anxiety. I went off of them slowly - over the course of a few months - while working with a psychiatrist, after taking them everyday for more than five years.
But I didn’t go off of them because I felt better. I went off of them because I wasn’t convinced they were helping anymore. I couldn’t remember what I felt like before meds and so I couldn’t tell anymore if this was an improvement.
Just to be clear, I am in no way anti-medication. I do remember my meds helping when I first started taking them back when I lived in Boston. But I had a lapse in my mental healthcare when I moved to Berlin. I found a primary care person here who could prescribe me my meds at the same dosages that my psychiatrist in Boston had, and that was that. For two years, we never checked in about how I was feeling, I just kept getting my prescriptions filled.
I went from taking my meds daily, seeing my therapist at least once a month, and my psychiatrist every couple of months in Boston to just taking my meds daily in Berlin. I had intended to find a new therapist when I moved, but navigating a new medical system in a language I didn’t speak was daunting and so I kept putting it off.
I finally found a new therapist last Fall and saw her weekly for a couple of months, but she wasn’t a good fit. The best thing that came out of seeing her is that she helped me find a psychiatrist, who helped me get off of my medication so I could see if it was actually helping.
And the verdict is? Big shrug.
It’s been about six months now and I’m doing okay. I started seeing a different therapist in April and he’s definitely a better fit, but still not ideal. He’s helped me develop a lot of new and valuable coping mechanisms and skills to get me through the day.
But my mood still isn’t good. I’m functioning better, but I don’t really feel better.
And there are a lot of potential reasons for that. Do I feel badly because of my brain chemistry? (And maybe trying some new meds could help?) Or because I’ve been un- or under-employed for a couple of years now? (And maybe finding meaningful work could help?) Or because there’s a pandemic and I’ve been isolated socially and unable to engage in hobbies I enjoy for well over a year now? (And… that’s not one with an individual solution.)
I don’t know, I just re-read a line that I wrote above: “I’m functioning better, but I don’t really feel better.” And that’s not entirely true. I definitely feel better than I did earlier this year when I was functioning a lot worse. I guess I just don’t feel… as good as I’d like to.
(This is where my new therapist isn’t a perfect fit because he’s like, “stop making feeling good your goal,” and I’m like, “…but I would like to feel good?”)
To bring it back to that episode of Queersplaining, hearing Callie Wright talk about their improved mood made me wonder if I should call my psychiatrist and try a new medication. It made me wonder if I’m living with a lower mood than I need to be. If I could try a new med and feel the difference in my mind and body. I really don’t know.
Thanks for reading the first ten issues of On / Off. I’ve enjoyed starting my day off by writing these newsletters, but it’s time for a break. This newsletter will be “Off” next week and it will turn “On” again for another 10 issues on Monday, August 16th.