Lying Under the Bed Like a Plank of Wood
Over the weekend, I watched season two of Mae Martin's Netflix show Feel Good, which came out last month. Season one came out in March 2020, but I didn't watch it until earlier this year. It's a dark comedy about Mae, a stand-up comedian and recovering drug addict, falling in love with George, a woman who has previously only been in relationships with men.
It's not a perfect show - sometimes the jokes fall flat or the supporting characters feel more like supporting caricatures. But, most of the time, I love Mae's madcap delivery of their lines, as well as the show's cinematography and general subject matter. I like the show so much that I've actually been a little nervous to read reviews of this series or talk it up to my friends. There are aspects of Mae's character that I relate to so strongly and moments that resonate with me so deeply that I'm afraid to let others scrutinize them.
In the first episode of season two, in a moment of spiraling anxiety and fast-talking panic, Mae says, "I have this feeling like I might want to lie under the bed like a plank of wood." Lying underneath furniture as an offbeat coping mechanism becomes a motif for the rest of the season. And it's funny - it made me laugh, but it also made me sort of whimper with concern.
You know that sound? That reaction of like, "oh, ha, that's funny, and also, oh no, that's not funny at all." Like sweat-smile emoji followed by gritting-teeth emoji. If this were an audio medium, I would just make the noise for you.
Anyway, I brought up this line and this impulse to lie under the bed like a plank of wood because it's a moment when I felt represented on screen. I actually backed up the show and made my husband watch this scene and told him, "I have felt that feeling. Remember? I've described it to you before."
Now, I haven't specifically imagined myself as a plank of wood. My impulse is to hide underneath my desk. I first felt this way when I worked at the Museum of Science in Boston and I thought it was specific to that job, but it's stuck with me in the three years since leaving that workplace. It's not a frequent feeling, but it does pop up sometimes when I'm feeling overwhelmed - this sense that I need to get down on the floor, underneath something, and hide.
Unlike Mae on Feel Good, I don't tend to indulge this feeling because the thought that always follows close on its heels is, "don't do that Emma, that's not normal/reasonable/insert critical adjective du jour." But I guess it was validating to see a character on a tv show be anxious in the same way that I'm anxious and to have it be funny and cringe-y and human.
God, it's nice to feel like your feelings are human.