In Search of Queer Joy (Part 3)
In the previous issue of this newsletter, we left off with the question: Where is your queer joy?
So… let’s talk about Janelle Monáe.
If I had to credit my bisexual awakening to one person, it would be Janelle Monáe. Obviously, sexuality is a lot more complicated than that, but… have you seen the music videos for Make Me Feel and PYNK? Because… damn.
Both of those videos came out in early 2018, which is also when I came out. I enjoyed Monáe’s music (and acting) before that, but those songs and the album they’re part of give me a lot of queer joy. And they gave me that joy before it was something I was consciously looking for, which feels sort of special.
My love for Janelle Monáe isn’t related to my friends who came out last year. It predates my jealousy toward their queer joy and so it’s not a reaction to them, it’s just about me and what I like and feel. That said, I don’t want to create a heirarchy of my queer joy. Queer joy that predates my friends’ coming out isn’t somehow purer than queer joy that I cultivate in my life now. Looking at my friends’ queer joy and thinking, “great for them, but not for me,” and then finding what feels right for me is a good thing. Especially if it keeps me from dwelling on and feeling awful about our differences.
I do a lot of comparing myself to other people and I want to move away from that. But, I guess I’m worried about simply replacing comparing with contrasting - defining myself in contrast to others. And that’s still all about other people, when I want this to be about me.
Anyway, this newsletter got away from me a bit. Time to hit send.