In Search of Queer Joy (Part 2)
Last year, on a video call with Lisa (who I mentioned in the previous newsletter) and our friends, Jack and Kit, I expressed my frustration around my newly out friends' joy. I couldn't relate, I felt jealous, and, most of all, I was mad at myself for having these negative reactions to other people's happiness. To my dear friends' happiness! Why couldn't I just be excited for them? I wanted to be excited with them.
I brought these frustrations to Lisa, Jack, and Kit because they're close friends of mine, they're part of my queer family, and they're all really fucking smart. They've each cultivated incredible communication skills throughout their lives and I trust them to help me hold and process my feelings while also gently challenging me.
During that conversation, Jack asked me a question that I'm still thinking about:
Where is your queer joy?
I was stumped.
I'd been so focused on the jealousy I felt toward my newly out friends. And so mad at myself for not being excited about the things that excited them. I felt like a bad friend and also like a bad queer person.
But here was Jack, gently challenging that, asking me to stop focusing on my friends and my negative emotions and start focusing on myself and my joy.
Clearly, the things that were bringing queer joy to my newly out friends, aren't the same things that bring me queer joy. And that's not inherently a problem. We are different people with different likes and dislikes, different needs and desires, and, yes, different joy. And it would probably be easier to be happy for them and the way that they live out their queerness, if I felt more confident in my own queerness.
So I've been searching for my queer joy. Trying to figure out what makes me happy in my queer identity. And I'll share some of that with you next week.
Thanks for joining me for this first week of newsletters! E and I are moving apartments on Monday so this newsletter will be back with issue #5 on Wednesday, July 28th.