In Search of Queer Joy (Part 1)
A couple of my friends came out last year and they were so excited to be embracing their true selves. They were so joyful about their newfound queerness and I was happy for them, but I also felt quite jealous. And I felt ashamed of that jealousy because feeling ashamed or embarrassed or like I'm a bad person is sort of a theme in my thought patterns.
When I came out a few years ago, I was neither excited nor joyful. I had simply reached a point where I was tired of denying an aspect of myself. I was both embarassed for having policed my own identity for so long and also afraid that others would continue to police my identity in the same ways that I had. I worried that:
- My straight friends and family wouldn't believe I was queer because I'm a ciswoman and I had only been in relationships with cismen, and queerness requires receipts.
- My queer friends and family would think I was co-opting their identities, hopping on the queer bandwagon, as it were.
I told my husband (a straight family member) first, a month after we got married and moved abroad, crying to him in the kitchen of our first Berlin apartment, embarrassed and afraid. He believed me and did not require receipts. My queerness was neither exciting to him, nor shameful, it was just a part of who I am. He hugged me and told me he loved me and I stopped crying and felt a lot better.
I told my best friend, Lisa, (a queer family member), later that year, on a video call, crying to her from the living room of our second Berlin apartment, embarrassed and afraid. She told me she wasn't surprised and joked that I had been one of her last token straight friends. She didn't think I was co-opting a queer identity or hopping on the bandwagon, she was happy to have me as part of her queer family. She told me she loved me and I stopped crying and felt a lot better.
And that was that, really. Since then I've told more friends and family members and I feel lucky that basically no one has reacted in the negative ways that I feared they would.
It was all very chill and not a big deal, really, until those friends came out last year and had to be so damn excited about their new identities.