I'm a Goddamn Delight and It's a Privilege to Know Me.
Last week sometime, I engaged in an all too common post-conversation ritual. E and I had been talking with some friends, and afterwards, I turned to him to double-check that the things I'd said made sense. That they were 'reasonable.'
I don't second-guess everything I say in this way. But, many (most?) conversations that include people other than E will leave me with at least one thing I said that I feel anxious about. I worry about how it came across or if it was an appropriate thing to say or, most of all, if it made sense. I get very concerned about whether or not my thoughts and feelings were legitimate enough to share in the first place. But, regardless, I've already shared them! And so I look to E for confirmation that what I said was both okay and also effectively communicated. He's usually quick to point out that I'm only finding out if he understood what I meant, not if the other people in the conversation got it, and because they're the people who I'm actually concerned about, I should really talk to them.
Neither of us enjoy this post-conversation ritual.
So, last week sometime, when we were having one of these debriefs, E reassured me that, yes, what I had said was 'reasonable.' But he looked exasperated.
"I feel like you're annoyed with me," I told him.
He sighed. "I'm not annoyed with you. I'm annoyed with the part of you that thinks the things you say aren't reasonable."
I leaned into him and started to cry because, yeah, that part of me sucks. I'm annoyed with her too!
But, prior to E saying that, I hadn't identified her as a part of me that could be separated out from the whole. I hadn't thought of this 'did what I said make sense?' pattern as motivated by one part of me, one unhelpful part of me, that I didn't need to listen to.
My therapist and I have talked about ignoring 'Evil Emma' when she pipes up to tell me that I'm a failure. Nothing is ever good enough for Evil Emma and so it's gotten easier to disregard her opinions. Girl, you're never satisfied. Sit down. But, this newly identified part of me, who is just concerned about whether I'm effectively communicating with the people in my life? I hadn't given myself permission to ignore her yet. She's trying to be helpful! She wants me to be understood! But she's going about it in entirely the wrong way, and so it's okay to pat her hand a bit dismissively and say, "your concerns are unfounded" and move on with my day.
You know why?
Because I'm a Goddamn Delight and it's a privilege to know me.
That's what I'm telling myself now when I start to second-guess the things that I've said. I like saying it out loud and a little bit viciously. I like that this statement implies someone said otherwise. I like that it's a vehement denial of the idea that I'm not worth knowing or being around, an accusation that has only ever been lobbed at me, by me.
It also makes me laugh.