G-G-G-Gender (Part Two)
Obviously there is more to my gender presentation than my haircut, but that was the starting point for me feeling butch recently. My hair was annoying me and so I pinned it back in such a way that I ended up with a 50's businessman style swoop to the side. The irony of looking more masculine after putting a bobby pin in my hair was not lost on me.
I was getting ready to leave the house and so I shrugged on my oversized jean jacket, which completely obscures my already minimal curves, looked in the mirror, and sighed. This was how I wanted to be dressed. I wanted my hair out of my face and my cozy jean jacket. But looking at my appearance, it seemed likely that my gender would be unclear to strangers, and I wasn't in the mood to be called a "junger Mann" (young man) by some well-meaning service person.
I don't get misgendered especially often, and although it's not a big deal when it happens, it's not an experience I particularly enjoy. I know some people like confounding strangers with their appearance, and that's great! For some people, it feels good to have their gender presentation read in a bunch of different ways.
When I worked at the Museum of Science in Boston, I had more than one encounter with small children staring at me while I washed my hands in the women's restroom. I could see the gears turning in their brains as they took in my button-down shirt, pompadour hairstyle, and presence in a gendered space. I enjoyed those interactions and always gave the kids a big smile, feeling like I had just expanded their understanding of what a woman could look like. Similarly, when I worked in a preschool during college, I enjoyed correcting the kids when they told me I must be a boy because of my cowboy boots and buzzcut.
"Girls can have short hair," I told them. "I'm a girl and I have short hair." Sometimes they would frown at me, unconvinced. They were just learning the norms of gender presentation and how to categorize people in that way and there I was complicating the situation for them. That was fun for me. I like kids a lot and I like helping them make sense of the world.
What I don't like is the social norm of gendering people in order to show politeness (sir, ma'am, miss). It's so unnecessary and so fraught, so likely to backfire and become offensive instead of polite.
My most recent experience being misgendered was in September in the Berlin airport. I went to order a coffee and the barista greeted me, "junger Mann," and asked what I wanted. I paused, and forced a smile, knowing he would realize his mistake and start apologizing any moment. I didn't want any part of this interaction (except for the coffee!), but there we were. His colleague noticed my uncomfortable smile and commented, "sie ist kein junger Mann" (she's not a young man). He apologized, I said, "kein Problem" (no problem), I bought a stupidly expensive airport latte, and that was that.
Not a big deal. The time a middle-aged woman full-on glared at me for being in a women's restroom was certainly more uncomfortable (and felt more dangerous, honestly). But being misgendered at the Berlin airport was an experience I would have preferred to skip. Particularly when I was just minding my own business and not trying to look androgynous or butch or masculine.
I've realized that's a key part of it for me - what am I trying for with my look on any given day. In general, I want to express my version of womanhood in the way that feels right to me, and I want it to be perceived by others as womanhood. But if I think it's likely to be perceived as something else, I want to be prepared for that reading of my appearance.
I have a little more to say about this idea, so you can expect "G-G-G-Gender (Part Three)" tomorrow. Thanks for reading!