G-G-G-Gender (Part Three)
To wrap up this series on my gender presentation, I want to talk about feeling in control of the image I show the world. Now, I know I can't actually control how I'm perceived by other people. But I think wanting to feel seen by others is a pretty understandable desire.
And being misgendered doesn't make me feel very seen, ya know?
In college, an artist friend of mine took some portraits of me. They were nice photos, but my enjoyment of them soured a bit when my friend told me that people couldn't tell what my gender was from looking at them. My friend was pleased by this, and refused to tell people that I was a woman, preferring to let my androgyny and people's confusion (even frustration) be a part of experiencing the art. That's all well and good, except... I didn't consent to it? When my friend took my portrait, she asked me to remove my scarf and earrings (the more feminine parts of my outfit), but she didn't tell me we were going for an androgynous look or making a statement about gender. I might have been into it, if I had known up front. Instead, I felt like my friend had created an image of me that didn't actually represent who I was. And then she shared it with a bunch of people and gave them a false perception of me, too.
So, anyway, on that day in October, when I was dressed the way I wanted to be dressed, but worried I wouldn't be read as a woman, I did something to try to feel more in control of my appearance. I took some selfies.
Specifically, I took some mirror selfies, opened my instagram story, and typed out the caption: "Looking a bit butch today, aren't we? Definitely gonna get called a junger Mann if I go anywhere..." Then I put my phone away and went for a walk without sharing anything.
When I got back home, I thought again about posting the photo, but I didn't know how those two short sentences would read to other people. They were helpful for me to write down, but they didn't fully capture what I was feeling that day. This is my third newsletter on the topic of my gender presentation and I still haven't fully captured my feelings about it.
But here's what I think was/is going on for me. Acknowledging that my appearance wasn't very feminine helped me to feel like it was a choice I had made, rather than something I'd done by accident. And that helped me to feel like if I did go out into the world and get misgendered, it would be okay because I had anticipated that eventuality. I knew I was rocking a more androgynous look, which ran the risk of confusing strangers about my gender, and I was choosing to play in that space.
In that instagram story that I never posted, I used the word "butch" very intentionally. I didn't say I looked "masculine" or "like a boy" or even "androgynous." I chose "butch" because it's (historically, anyway) a gendered term that is applied to (lesbian) women. For me, "butch" felt right because of its potential to imply womanhood -- a very particular, very gay sort of womanhood. That said, I love linguistic shift and I support people using the terms that feel right to them regardless of their gender. Just clarifying in case it sounds like I think people who aren't women shouldn't be allowed to call themselves butch. Fuck that.
I don't have a neat conclusion to share and I've spent significantly longer on writing this newsletter than I wanted to, so, let's wrap up here. Let me know if you thought this series was interesting. Either way, I'll be back with something completely different on Monday.