G-G-G-Gender (Part One)
Back in October, I had a day where I felt pretty butch.
I remember it was right after this newsletter cycled 'off' because I started describing my feelings to E and then said something like, "ugh, this is the kind of thing I could write a newsletter about." But I didn't know when I would next be writing a newsletter or if these would still be feelings I felt like processing and so instead I chatted with E for a while about gender expression. And then I kind of forgot about it until this morning when I was wracking my brain trying to figure out what to write about.
So, yeah, let's talk about my gender presentation, I guess? Can you tell I'm a bit uncomfortable with this topic? I'm a woman, and I've played with an androgynous look on and off for at least a decade now, but (weirdly!) it's not something I've given a lot of thought to. It's just something I've done because it's the look I feel best wearing.
If I learned to do my make-up and figured out how to style my hair when it's long, I could probably be quite pretty in a 'traditional beauty standards for women' sort of way. But I've never been good at (or interested in!) make-up and my hair has always been a frizzy nuisance when I wear it long. I feel like I tried when I was younger to embody a more traditional feminine aesthetic, but I never felt very successful.
Back in September, when I visited my mom in the US, she asked me about my haircut. She tried to do it politely, and didn't want to offend me, but the question she landed on was, "is your haircut political?"
I told her, "no? I just like how it looks better when it's short." And then I tried to explain that I don't know how to take care of my hair when it's long and I feel like I'm never very happy with it as a result. She proceeded to show me some photos of myself with long hair, where she thinks I look very pretty, and all I can see is my hair not looking the way I wished it would.
When I buzzed my hair for the first time, the summer before my senior year of college, I felt attractive in a way that I never had before. Instead of trying and failing to meet those 'traditional beauty standards for women,' I had pivoted towards a different (and queerer) idea of beauty. It was a version of beauty that I felt like I immediately excelled at. It felt like the right aesthetic for my face and hair and body. I was into it, E was into it, an acquaintance saw me with a buzzcut for the first time and reached reverently to touch my hair while saying, "I'm obsessed with you," and it was one of the best compliments I've ever received. The only person who didn't like it was my mom, and it wasn't for her, soOoOoOo yeah.
I started this newsletter saying I had a day recently where I felt pretty butch, but I think unpacking that statement will have to wait until tomorrow. For today, the backstory of my relationship with traditional beauty standards will have to suffice. Thanks for reading!