Dreams (Part 2)
Last night, I dreamed that the baby had arrived, and we weren't prepared. I didn't dream about labor and delivery or bringing the baby home, and I had no memory of having given birth. The baby was just here in our apartment with blue eyes and a full head of dirty blond hair, framing its face like a Kpop star. The dream was a comedy of errors with E and I putting the baby down and losing track of it, trying to find a box for it to sleep in because we hadn't bought a crib yet, and then trying to keep our cat out of the box we had found.
I was awakened from this dream by the sound of our cat causing mischief so, in this way, the dream wasn't far off from reality. I rolled over and excitedly told E about my dream, and then he got up and locked the cat out of the bedroom so that we could go back to sleep.
I was more excited by this dream than I might otherwise have been because this is the third time I've dreamed about the baby during this pregnancy, but it's the first time that the baby has been alive. In my last newsletter about dreams, I mentioned that my subconscious isn't subtle. One of my biggest fears right now is losing this pregnancy, so, of course, my mind has helpfully responded to that fear with dreams about miscarriage.
I had a dream during the first trimester, where I lost the baby in a very first trimester sort of way: I got my period. In the dream, I was at my mother's house, sobbing as I bled, knowing there was no way to stop it. I was very grateful to wake up in my bed here in Berlin and still be pregnant.
Just a week or two ago, in the second trimester now, I had another dream where I lost the baby. This time in more of a second trimester way: I went into labor much too early and gave birth to the baby, but it couldn't survive on its own and died a couple of hours later. I was lying in a hospital bed sobbing, when I realized I was dreaming and woke myself up. That one left me really shaken and for a couple of days afterwards I kept asking E if he thought my bump had shrunk. He assured me it hadn't. (I'm aware this line of thinking makes no sense. If the dream was a premonition and the fetus had died, it wouldn't start shrinking. I mostly just felt like my bump had been noticeably growing and wasn't anymore.)
So last night, when my subconscious decided it would be fun to dream that the baby showed up right now, when we don't own any baby stuff yet? I was delighted!
Things weren't going well in the dream! I almost dropped the baby! I attempted to breastfeed and my nipples didn't work! (This was most assuredly inspired by something I read yesterday morning about what to do if you have inverted or flat nipples.) The box we wanted the baby to sleep in was expired! What does that even mean, subconscious?!
I was thrilled to wake up confused and amused instead of frightened. Fingers crossed that this is the end of my miscarriage nightmares. Hopefully I can cruise through the next six months having goofy unprepared-for-parenting dreams instead.