Desirability
A few years ago, I don't remember when exactly, a friend told me he was worried he was 'moving away from desirability.' His gender presentation was shifting in ways that felt good and right to him, but he was also online dating at the time, and he felt pressured to look a certain way in order to be seen as desirable.
I've been thinking about that conversation and specifically about the idea of 'moving away from desirability' lately, as I watch my body shift and my appearance change more dramatically than it ever has before in my adult life. Obviously, my friend's experience is his own and I don't presume to understand what he was going through. His phrasing is resonating with me, though.
I think there are a lot of life experiences (aging, in general, being a big one) that have the potential to make us feel like we are 'moving away from desirability.' And while we can (and should!) certainly push back against larger cultural ideas of who is and isn't desirable, I also think it's okay to feel concerned or saddened when the way our culture values and views us shifts.
Outside of some specific kinks, pregnant bodies aren't considered sexy or desirable. Pregnant bodies and pregnancy are desexualized, and I would argue that in many instances so are mothers and motherhood. Of course, I mentioned some of these thoughts to E and he brought up the idea of milfs and we agreed that's not a particularly niche kink. But I don't think the concept of milfs negates my feelings that I have moved into a stage of life where I'm seen as a less sexual being. And there's no going back.
My physical body will be different after I give birth, further from a 'sexual ideal' than it was pre-pregnancy, although perhaps not further than it is right now. But my life circumstances will also be different and, if I were to make a profile on a dating app, my status as a mother would likely decrease my desirability for many potential partners.
You might be reading this thinking, Emma, why do you care about this? You already have a sexual partner (remember? you made the little lizard with him??) and I'm sure he still finds you desirable. And you're absolutely right, he has reassured me that he still thinks I'm sexy at 26 weeks pregnant.
However, I don't feel particularly desirable. And that's influenced by this larger societal messaging that I'm not a sexual being right now. I am a magical vessel growing new life, which is to be protected at all costs. I do like the way my baby bump looks and sometimes I feel cute when I dress in a way that shows it off, but 'cute' isn't sexy.
'Moving away from desirability' is far from my biggest concern right now. I'm not lying awake at night feeling badly about it or anything. It's just another layer to this whole experience - wanting to feel in touch with myself as a sexual/sensual being and not really knowing how to do that in a body that's constantly changing and currently a shared living space.