The Ed's Up Holiday Special (#168)
There are no links, to my pieces or anyone else’s, in this edition of The Ed’s Up. Instead, a short story.
A few weeks ago, in the dead of night defeated by insomnia, and possessed by a nameless masochism, I decided to look at the Amazon reviews of my book. One drew my attention. It was left by a man named David who said, “Wow. The most engaging reading read ever.” And then: four stars.
Well that’s lovely. But also, I wondered, if the most engaging read ever is only worthy of four stars, then what would it take to make David part with that fifth star?
So I checked out his other reviews. And it was the best decision.
David is 91. He lives in Weaverville, Canada with his wife, whom he clearly loves; she likes quilting and has trouble walking. He has reviewed prolifically, decisively, and earnestly. He has reviewed tweezers, bath rugs, a bag of apricots, decorative pillow cases, and a watch strap.
He also awarded four stars to a lightbulb ("All OK"), a fermentation glass jar ("All OK"), some HDMI cables ("All OK"), some Red Mill Wheat Germ ("All OK"), and Carrington Farms Organic Extra Virgin Coconut Oil ("All OK, but it leaked coconut oil...”). All was most certainly not OK with that last one, David, and I put it to you that I Contain Multitudes leaked nothing on you. Except for knowledge. Maybe microbes. Anyway.
Four stars also went to:
A few weeks ago, in the dead of night defeated by insomnia, and possessed by a nameless masochism, I decided to look at the Amazon reviews of my book. One drew my attention. It was left by a man named David who said, “Wow. The most engaging reading read ever.” And then: four stars.
Well that’s lovely. But also, I wondered, if the most engaging read ever is only worthy of four stars, then what would it take to make David part with that fifth star?
So I checked out his other reviews. And it was the best decision.
David is 91. He lives in Weaverville, Canada with his wife, whom he clearly loves; she likes quilting and has trouble walking. He has reviewed prolifically, decisively, and earnestly. He has reviewed tweezers, bath rugs, a bag of apricots, decorative pillow cases, and a watch strap.
He also awarded four stars to a lightbulb ("All OK"), a fermentation glass jar ("All OK"), some HDMI cables ("All OK"), some Red Mill Wheat Germ ("All OK"), and Carrington Farms Organic Extra Virgin Coconut Oil ("All OK, but it leaked coconut oil...”). All was most certainly not OK with that last one, David, and I put it to you that I Contain Multitudes leaked nothing on you. Except for knowledge. Maybe microbes. Anyway.
Four stars also went to:
- a red/black steering wheel cover ("I had some doubts about the color, but it adds sparkle to the all beige interior. I like it better every day.)
- Umcka cold and flu capsules. ("How is one to know the benefit of a remedy? One cannot take it and not take it simultaneously, so one cannot know what its value is.") David, lemme tell you about randomized controlled trials...
- a Good Grips salad spinner. ("A capable, "can't do without" that is easy to use and fun.")
- a cotton washlet ("A functional gift for the ladies.")
- The Complete Works of Aristotle. IN YOUR FACE, ARISTOTLE.
David gave a mere three stars to a long-sleeved patterned nightshirt because it was billed as medium and is more like an XL—a sign of the size creep that David has seen over his nine decades. (His review is titled: "Let's call a spade a spade".) Three stars also went to Davidson's green tea. "It seems bland, but maybe it will grow on me or I will blend it with anther more vigorous blend." David lives in hope, but he is a pragmatist at heart.
David has only ever given a single one-star review, to the Matthew McConaughey movie, Mud, which he gave up on after 15-20 minutes.
And now, back to our original question. What would such a man as David award FIVE stars to? Well:
David has only ever given a single one-star review, to the Matthew McConaughey movie, Mud, which he gave up on after 15-20 minutes.
And now, back to our original question. What would such a man as David award FIVE stars to? Well:
- The Best of Socrates. OH SNAP, ARISTOTLE.
- The Great American Bathroom Book Volume 3. Can someone find the nearest burn ward for Aristotle?
- Office Impressions self-stick notes. ("Problem corrected.")
- A Nordic Ware microwave egg boiler. ("We have given these to family and to friends. Their feedback mirrors our pleasure with ours. Simple")
- The Renee Zellweger and Ewan MacGregor film Miss Potter.
- Cafe Altura Whole Bean Organic Coffee. ("My only question about this coffee is: Why does anyone buy any other coffee?") David's brand loyalty is stronger than your brand loyalty.
But these reviews are generally older ones. They come from a time past—and something in the last couple of years seems to have made David rethink. Consider the four stars he awarded to the North Star Men's Leather Squeeze Coin Pouch Change Holder:
"It is really a 5 star item, but I do not love it," wrote David. "Love is how we feel about people, not things."
Yes, it is, David. You’re All OK and I give you five stars. Happy holidays, you delightful soul.
And happy holidays to all of you. In 2017, I hope you find your people.
- Ed
"It is really a 5 star item, but I do not love it," wrote David. "Love is how we feel about people, not things."
Yes, it is, David. You’re All OK and I give you five stars. Happy holidays, you delightful soul.
And happy holidays to all of you. In 2017, I hope you find your people.
- Ed
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