What to do with your imposter syndrome
What's "imposter syndrome?" I've never heard of such a term, due to my personal awesomeness.
Hi there! Imposter syndrome is basically the sense that you're not good enough for whatever company you're in. Everyone feels this at some point, whether it's in school, at a conference, when you spill bar-b-que sauce all over your pants and somehow also get it in your hair at a company picnic, etc.
Wait, did that happen to you?
So I've been chatting about When She Left at a bunch of places, both in-person and virtual, and it's been really cool! I even went to the Tucson Festival of Books, and I'd never been there before. I grew up in Arizona and returning home to take part in such a gigantic event, widely considered one of the best festivals around, was amazing.
Come on, you said you'd never lie in this newsletter. HMU with a #truthbomb about Tucson. Also, about that company picnic...
The #truthbomb is that Tucson was daunting. The crowds were immense and a lot of the writers were national names and there was such enthusiasm from the festival staff and readers. Book club picks from Reese and Jenna and Oprah and NYT bestsellers and winners of every revered literary award wandered around, and the festival organizers were exceptional.
Um, yeah, that sounds awful...
Oh no, not at all! It was one of my best experiences as a writer, and I've been fortunate to have many good experiences in this business.
Was it being around so many successful people? Is that what got you? I could see that. I have access to your checking account.
Nah. Being around writers who have achieved impossible dreams is actually kind of lovely. Especially when they're cool about it, and that was the case with everyone I met at Tucson...and, honestly, almost all of the crime fiction writers I've met in person. Our community has its moments of drama, but they're only moments. They pass.
OMG then WHAT are you complaining about?
One of the things that's most important to me is that every book I write must be better than the last. And that's how it should be.
Look, I want to make money and sell literally millions of books and have a modestly sized statue of me placed in some town square (any town is fine, I'm not particular), but I want all of that to happen because I wrote good books.
So your imposter syndrome comes from wanting MORE AND MORE AND MORE?
I don't think so? I think it's partially because I'm so determined to improve with every book...and, because of that, I look at my backlist unfairly. I get so excited by what I'm currently working on that everything else I've written seems lesser. I've had people at festivals or conferences tell me they liked a book I wrote a few years ago (this happened a few times at Tucson, hence this post), and I have a distinct urge to argue with them about it, to apologize, to tell them how my next book is so much better.
I know that's not a healthy attitude.
And I know that's not fair to someone who genuinely likes something. It's a rotten person who needs to tell people that what they enjoy in art is wrong.
So how do you recover from imposter syndrome? What are you doing? Is it yoga? I bet it's yoga. Lol, you in yoga pants.
It's not yoga. It's acceptance. The idea behind imposter syndrome is that you're privately not good enough, and the natural solution would be to accept that you are.
I don't know if this is the right response, but I don't think it's the right response for me.
I guess I'm okay with the doubt and desire. I think it's what built me, and even though I wouldn't recommend it for anyone else, this is who I am. When I do take an occasional moment to step outside of myself, I'm proud of some of the work I've done. Some of it, I genuinely wish had been better (I've mentioned, in prior newsletters, my mixed feelings about No Home for Killers, and my true pride in When She Left).
But nothing I've done will ever be better than what I'll do next.
I'm okay with that, this relentless, self-doubting need to prove myself over and over. I think it's what we sign up for, whenever we sign our name in a book a reader has bought.
I been working my whole life to touch the ceiling,
Don't even know if I'd recognize the feeling,
But I been working my whole life.
I been working my whole life to touch the ceiling,
Don't even know if I'd recognize the feeling,
But I been working my whole life.
Atmosphere, "The Ceiling"
EA
Late last year, one of my favorite bookstagrammers, bonechillingbooks, joined up with two other popular bookstagrammers (saras_mystery_bookclub and bookedupgirl) to form a book club called The Thriller Troop bookclub. They offer recommendations of the hottest books in crime fiction, and then do an interview with the author. They've had such great writers since they started, like S.A. Cosby, Lisa Jewell, Jennifer Hillier, Ashley Winstead, Stacy Willingham. It's a terrific (and free) club, and I totally recommend signing up. You can do so HERE.
And, I can't believe this, but I'll be their guest on Thursday, April 4 at 2:00 pm EST! lolz, imposter syndrome, amiright?
I love these bookstagrammers and the club they've put together, all for the benefit of readers. Check it out, and come see me talk about When She Left with these wonderful crime fiction fans.
The Hunter, Tana French
It’s a blazing summer when two men arrive in a small village in the West of Ireland. One of them is coming home, one of them is coming to die. Cal Hooper took early retirement from Chicago PD and moved to rural Ireland looking for peace. He’s found it, more or less: he’s built a relationship with a local woman, Lena, and he’s gradually turning Trey Reddy from a half-feral teenager into a good kid going good places. But then Trey’s long-absent father reappears, bringing along an English millionaire and a scheme to find gold in the townland, and suddenly everything the three of them have been building is under threat. Cal and Lena are both ready to do whatever it takes to protect Trey, but Trey doesn’t want protecting. What she wants is revenge.
Cirque du Slay, Rob Osler
Pint-sized Seattle middle school teacher and gay dating blogger Hayden McCall and his best friend Hollister are invited to a fundraiser for Bakers Without Borders. The celebrity performer, Kennedy Osaka, is the artistic director of Mysterium, an upscale circus arts show combining magic, acrobatics, and a Michelin-star dinner. But Kennedy is a no-show — until she’s found dead in her hotel suite. And when frenemy Sarah Lee is discovered in the room with the body, Hayden and Hollister are on the case to find the real culprit before Sarah Lee is charged with the crime.
A Midnight Puzzle, Gigi Pandian
Secret Staircase Construction is under attack, and Tempest Raj feels helpless. After former client Julian Rhodes tried to kill his wife, he blamed her "accident" on the home renovation company’s craftsmanship. Now the family business — known for bringing magic into homes through hidden doors, floating staircases, and architectural puzzle walls — is at a breaking point. No amount of Scottish and Indian meals from her grandfather can distract Tempest from the truth: they’re being framed. When Tempest receives an urgent midnight phone call from Julian, she decides to meet him at the historic Whispering Creek Theater — only to find his dead body, a sword through his chest. After a blade appears from thin air to claim another victim, Tempest is certain they’re dealing with a booby trap...something Secret Staircase Construction could easily build. Tempest knows the pieces of the puzzle are right in front of her, she just has to put them together correctly before more disaster strikes.
Such a Lovely Family, Aggie Blum Thompson
The cherry blossoms are in full bloom in Washington, DC, and the Calhouns are in the midst of hosting their annual party to celebrate the best of the spring season. With a house full of friends, neighbors, and their beloved three adult children, the Calhouns are expecting another picture-perfect event. But a brutal murder in the middle of the celebration transforms the yearly gathering into a homicide scene, and all the guests into suspects. Behind their façade of perfection, the Calhoun family has been keeping some very dark secrets. Parents who use money and emotional manipulation to control their children. Two sons, one the black sheep who is desperate to outrun mistakes he’s made, and the other a new father, willing to risk everything to protect his child. And a daughter: an Instagram influencer who refuses to face the truth about the man she married. As the investigation heats up, family tensions build, and alliances shift. Long-buried resentments surface, forcing the Calhouns to face their darkest secrets before it’s too late.
It's giveaway time! The winner of a copy of one of the four books mentioned above (your pick!) is
Congrats, and I'll send you an email soon!
I took an extra week to write this newsletter because I was at book festivals the last two weekends - Tucson and the wonderful Suffolk Mystery Author Festival. So I'll be back in your inboxes in two weeks to get back on schedule. Talk to you soon, girl.