Stop Posting Incorporated
You get home after a long day of work; you’re feeling tired, frustrated, maybe even a little stoned. You pull out your phone, look at it for a few minutes, and find the urge overtaking your — growing stronger with every moment — you try to resist it but you can’t hold it back — you — must — POST!
Does this ever happen to YOU? Have no fear: the solution is here. Reach out to Stop Posting Incorporated today! Please feel free to browse our menu below to get a sense of how we can best serve your needs.
BASIC PACKAGE - $19.95
This is our entry level package, for people who just need a little bit of help to stop posting. For the low price of $19.95, one of our talented representatives will come to wherever you are, snatch the device you’re posting with out of you hands, spray you with holy water, shriek, “This is for your own good, fiend!” and sprint out into the night. If, once they’ve gone, you make it a full 24 hours without posting, your device will be returned to you with all the apps you could have used to post deleted. You’re welcome!
BRONZE PACKAGE - $34.99
A slightly more involved package for the slightly more persistent poster. If you choose this option, one of our helpful associates will break into your house, steal ALL the devices you could possibly use to keep posting, and release those devices back into their natural habitat: the dumpster behind the nearest Apple store. If you’re able to pay an additional $15 rehoming fee, we’ll go one step further, and make sure those devices get into the hands of people who won’t use them to do what you did! Our careful vetting process makes sure to weed out people like you; all our device adoptees have this little voice inside of them that says things like “Stop posting,” or “Oh my god, what are you doing? Stop fucking posting right now!” We are still working on finding a way to install a voice like this in the minds of all our clients, but rest assured that when we do crack it, you’ll be the first to know.
SILVER PACKAGE - $59.99
Are you an inveterate poster? One who fears that even in the situation laid out above, you’d manage to snatch a coworker’s phone and log back on? If that’s the case, you may want to consider our Silver Package, which was designed with you in mind. In this option your devices are still taken away from you, but this time we have someone run them over with a fully loaded F-150. More importantly, we ALSO get our crack team of techies to totally nuke your social media presence from orbit! With just a quick easy payment — and a few short hours of effort on our part — you can go from someone who posts too much to someone who says, “Oh, I’m not really online.” You can even say it smugly, like you’re one of those people who really IS above the petty drama and fleeting satisfaction of the internet, as opposed to someone so unable to handle posting that you had to hire us to make you stop. Don’t worry — we won’t tell.
GOLD PACKAGE - $79.99
Wow. You are a COMMITTED poster, unable to be stopped even by device theft, device destruction, social media deletion, or being spritzed with holy water by our intern Gary (we don’t really think that does anything, but it sure does make Gary smile). There’s nothing for it; you need the Gold Package. Once we’ve secured your payment, and your signature on our 15 page waiver/release, Stop Posting Inc. will not only take your devices, destroy those devices, and delete all your social media; we will also strike you firmly in the back of the head with a cast iron skillet every time you feel the urge to post! We cannot promise these repeated wallops will have a positive impact on your ongoing health, but we HAVE found that they are an effective deterrent to the tragic condition of posting much too much.
PLATINUM PACKAGE - $99.95
Oh god. Oh no. Nobody’s ever asked for one of these, okay? We just have it on the menu to make the Gold Package look cheaper! Do you really — do you really think that none of the other options would stop you from posting? Like, are you sure? Because the thing is... I mean... I’m not even sure what my bosses would do with that. There’s the chance that they’d just lock you in the back office and never let you out again, but to be honest they might throw you into the ocean or bury you alive or something; I just don’t know. So do you think — holy shit, are you posting right now? Like literally as I’m telling you this? You ARE, aren’t you? My god. Gary! Get in here! And bring the holy water!
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