Day 3: Listen
Before she left the islands, my mom used to take long walks on the beach. And sometimes I’d join her.
One time we got to talking about my dad.
Now, I love my dad. But he’s not always the best listener.
And that day on the beach, she told me it was sometimes hard to talk to him because he always tried to “fix” things.
I’d noticed this too. They’d be having a conversation. My mom would be frustrated, or stressed, or upset about something, and my dad would present her with a “solution.” In response my mom would get more frustrated, the conversation would stop, and my dad would walk away perplexed.
For some reason, I always sided with her in these situations. I could always tell when it was happening. And for some reason, I would alway side with her.
“C’mon dad, just listen!” I’d think to myself, rolling my eyes in exasperation. He was trying to solve the problem (as he saw it). And she just wanted to be heard.
As a culture we tend to think of that as what it means to be a man or a woman. Men want to fix things. Women talk about their feelings.
And being a guy, I’ve felt the pressure to follow suit.
“Just quit whining about your problems and DO something.”
How many times have you heard something like this?
In other words: talking doesn’t solve anything. You need to take action.
This is why therapy often gets a bad rap. I’ve heard a lot of people say they hate it — even the idea of it — because “I don’t want to waste time talking about my problems.” They want to move forward, not talk about the past. To solve their problems, not talk about their problems make them feel.
I disagree.
What happens inside a therapist’s office (if it’s a good one) is you get a chance to be listened to. Completely. Without judgement. Without interruption. It’s a space to be completely and utterly heard.
There’s a classic saying — cliché by now — that “wherever you go, there you are.”
I’ve moved five times in the last five years. Each time, I imagined the move would give me a fresh start. A chance to be who I really wanted to be, not shackled down by the relationships, routines, and inertia of wherever I was currently living.
But that never happened.
I’d arrive in the new city, and after a few weeks, once the novelty of the new place went away, I was back to being me.
Same old thoughts. Same old problems. Same old me.
That’s when I stopped looking “out there” for answers to my problems, and started looking inside. I stopped trying to change my circumstances to get rid of the uncomfortable feelings I was having, and I started to pay attention to what those feelings actually were.
I started listening to myself. And that’s when things started to change.
When you start listening, that’s when you start solving problems — real problems.
Real problems like never feeling secure, despite constantly making more and more money.
Real problems like never feeling loved, no matter how much of yourself you give to your partner.
Real problems like feeling worthless and having nothing valuable to offer the world.
You can focus on the surface problems and strive relentlessly to earn more, find love, and achieve.
Or you can start listening to yourself and notice that these “problems” aren’t the problem. And you can finally start to tackle the core issue underneath.